This is a space for my crazy thoughts.  An unedited, never proof read, compilation of sentence fragments and scattered thoughts.  I never go back and fix things or make them sound prettier or correct them.  I have left everything just as it was, even when it was horrible, even when it is despicably wrong, shameful or embarrassing.

My husband is a sex addict.  In recovery.  No longer acting out in his sexual compulsions.  Freed from it for over two years now.

I am an alcoholic.  In recovery.  No longer numbing out every feeling and thought and issue with alcohol.  Freed from it for 9 weeks (as of today, 3/12/15.)  My last drink was 1/9, so they say my “sobriety date” is 1/10.

We are both liars and hiders of important things – in recovery and not lying any more.  To ourselves or each other.

We were both raised without God, hating God, angry at God, refusing to acknowledge that there might be a God, hating Christians, pitying them for their ignorance.  We are in recovery from that, too- God has given us the free will to make our own (usually bad) choices, but somehow, through His endless grace and mercy, has been there for us all along- now we walk with Him instead of against him.  We are so young in our faith, but so so very grateful.

So this blog is my perspective- I am often NOT in touch with reality.  The early entries are full of hate, horrible words, ignorance, anger and more hate.  I cringe in embarrassment when I look back, yet I refuse to change it.  I was conceited and unrealistic and blinded by my pain and anger.  I was critical, controlling, and just not living in the real world.  I struggle with very low self worth, with binge eating and the compulsion to smoke cigarettes- binge eating has been a theme my whole life.  There was a shift some time, that I switched from hate and anger to compassion and an uncomfortable but ok “okayness,” and eventually forgiveness– some of the big moments I didn’t blog about,  but I certainly remember the moments in real life.

There is porn addiction… struggling to understand options before I knew what I was dealing with in my husband’s addiction… finding out what I was dealing with- the admission of sex with prostitutes, that I hear from across the country in the room with the polygraph machine… the divorce paperwork bringing such relief… the anger at those who valued marriage… all the while- it was all about the sexual betrayals that I just couldn’t let go.  I was done with him and regretted it some days.  Until the lost dog saved us, connected us with a realtor who sold us a new house for us to oddly and out of no where, move back in together and call off the divorce.  I seem to have not written much at all about my drinking because it was a total non issue!  Denial.  Lack of acceptance.  I was waking up on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head many nights in the midst of that craziness but thought I could just sweep that under the rug until I did it again the next day.

These are some horrible entries.  Horrible.  I cringe in shame looking back at them.  Which- I really never ever do- but did just now for the purpose of posting a few links right here.  Ouch.  First post.  Lots of swearing and mean spirited hatefulness.  I was hurt, and I was lashing out like nobody’s business.

Sometimes I write about old times and memories.  The thing with alcoholics is that when one is drinking their way through life, they don’t actually deal with real things that are happening.  They numb it all out.  They let their drinking wash away their worries, their sadness, anxiety and stress.  They don’t know how to cope with it for real, so they just drink.  At least that is my reality.  Now that I haven’t drank in 9 weeks, I feel all sorts of things and all sorts of things I *never dealt with* are still there waiting for me.  Like his emotional neglect, his inability to look me in the eyes for years.  Like my tolerance of such poor treatment.  Why would I have tolerated it?!!  Other things.  Like my husband seeing prostitutes.  All the very mean spirited things I did to other normal, nice people.

So much to understand, or to not try to understand and just let go of.  Hard.  I may often seem totally unstable or even suicidal or totally overly happy- perhaps drunk.  Sometimes I feel so happy, and sometimes I wish I didn’t wake up- very literally.  I hear this is common with alcoholics in recovery.  Their journeys are always unique to them.  They are unstable.  They are coming to terms with actual emotions and what different things feel like.  We are unable to handle things like normal.

I’m trying to read the Big Book but it overwhelms me; I do not feel smart enough to get it, any of it.  But I try.  I may write about pieces of that too.

AA is like free therapy.  A beautiful thing.  A community supporting itself, supporting each other, in honesty and kindness and with love.

God is like forever love and acceptance and patience and mercy.  The best thing ever.  I wrote here about giving myself up to the gods or the universe or something, and here about prayer (to the universe).  That was the beginning, my beginning of turning to God.  He works in mysterious, astounding, beautiful ways.

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