Our history: Met April 2001.
Married Jan. 2002.
Pregnant, due Aug. 2003.

We were adorable.  Happy couple, turned into perfect little family.
Cheated on me in a parking lot bar while I was travelling for work, when I was pregnant, March 2003, confessed 6 weeks later.  Isolated incident.  Had never cheated before or after.  Blamed it on alcohol.

His father died, alone on his bathroom floor when baby was a few months. Husband devastated.
April 05: Had another baby.
His mother with longstanding “bad mom behavior” made him choose between me and her when baby was about 1. He chose me.
She died a few months later. More devastated.
We went through several rounds of therapy with 3 counselors. Waste of time and money. We smiled through it and tried to move on and work on our marriage ourselves.

Married about 3 years, I couldn’t take the way we lived. Barely any smiling, barely conversation.  No kisses more than a friendly peck in years.  I figured I was too young to live without love, passion, to live like roommates. He isolated me from his life, but when I communicated this, he would shape up for a day or three, which would satisfy me.

I’d had enough, and filed for divorce. He BROKE DOWN sobbing, begging and pleading and screaming for one more chance.  I give it to him.

Eight years go by.  We have more babies. We live like roommates. He is caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, a great father. He does the laundry, does the dishes, does the christmas shopping and wrapping, organizes birthday parties, participates in family events. He is on neighborhood HOA boards, does all lawn maintenance, picks up groceries on the way home, always says please and thank you and compliments me on a “pretty” shirt or new shoes if i get them. he holds my hand and rubs my feet and only irks back a little bit when I try to hug him. He shudders when I mention sex, but he gets through it silently, with an attempt at a smile on his face. he pulls away when I try to get close to him in bed. His arms wrap around me but his body pulls away.

When he walks behind me in a close space he is careful not to let his body touch mine in any way. He walks in front of me in restaurants, has me drive him when we go on dates or trips. He doesn’t open doors for me, he likes everything to be “fair.” We peck each other and say i love you each day. we text and email far more than we talk. there is no passion. he does not see me when i enter a room, he has never noticed if i make myself extra appealing for him.

How did I find out? researching “low sex drive” i learned the following.

Low sex drive is due to: 1. low testosterone. 2. porn addiction. 3. affair or repeated infidelities.

all websites prompt me to check his computers for porn.
i resist but finally give in under the premise that it is “for us.”

2 laptops wiped clean, private browsing turned on, shows ZERO in history.
red flag.
I get on his phone: wiped clean, private browsing, zero in history- but in some magical advanced setting, I find HUNDREDS of porn images that I can not see, but I know they are porn. I do not know what “kind” of porn. all sorts of things run through my head.  I thought my husband was asexual.  Just stoic and uninterested in sex?
I see a prostitute website and all of the craigslist and “backdoor” websites.
I visit the prostitute website and am horrified.

Now here we are. 4 days before christmas. smiling happy family. holding shit together and getting through. choosing my family, one day at a time.

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