Things have overall been good but here I am again to type, when things are *not good.*

Marriage is better than it ever has been.

Kids schooling is better than it ever has been.

My connection with God has a little space in it.  I am trying but I don’t know.

My social life and AA support is really good- probably as good as it ever has been.

My yoga practice has a little space in it.

My close few friendships are as good as they ever have been.

Sponsoring is as good as it ever has been- a real gift.

Parenting overall is challenged for sure, but isn’t that normal to be tired out by noon when you’re with your kids all day almost every day?

I’m so damn discontent.  Nothing. Is.  Wrong.  Nothing.  But yet, I feel so displaced, so not right, so often on the verge of tears.  So … weak.  So unable, so heavy, so burdened by all that is wrong in the world.

I am vegan for lent and I hope to continue it if God strengthens me to do so.  I feel the pain of cruelty so much, so… acutely- so strong, so present, so … hopeless.  I do trust in God but it hurts so much and feels so big that it seems like God just “doesn’t care” about it.

I kneel.  I look up at the snow covered branches, I see the brilliant blue sky and yet I ask God “why?” or “What?”  What am I missing?  What is it that He wants from me, wants to show me, wants me to see or know or feel?  What is it that is pulling me down and why can I not let it go and leave it with Him?  I ask Him to guide me.  The tears stream down my face when I talk to Him and I know it’s okay but the heaviness does not leave.  It never does.

Sometimes I understand how people take their own lives.  It makes some sense.  When the burden becomes so constant, so heavy, so crippling and painful and endless it just can’t continue and then that’s the end.  I am not there, I am not giving up, but I understand it today.

I am blessed beyond measure.  God has redeemed my marriage, he has healed my heart, H’s heart, He has blessed me with these people on loan to me that I get to call my children.

All of these things, no matter how good, bring me so much pain that is not real.  It’s real in my head but it’s not REAL in a way that matters, that means anything.

Sometimes I try to push through and distract myself and do “the next right thing.”  “Move into action.”  I do.  I call my people, I call my sponsor, I go to a meeting, I pray, I journal, I try to practice yoga, I read, I try to go enjoy nature, I reach out and try to help someone else to get out of my own head.  But yet, it is just so fucking much.  It’s so much.  I know nothing should be wrong with my life because I’ve got a beautiful life here, yet I can not shake this pain.

I know drinking would take it away, albeit very temporarily only until I stopped drinking.  And I don’t want to do that.  I would love the first two hours maybe and then it would all start going downhill.  I would yell at my children.  I would become demanding, bitchy, rude and mean to my husband.  I may become physically abusive or damage my own property.  I may self harm.  I would very likely drive drunk.  I would put peoples lives in danger.  I would call or email people I shouldn’t and say/write things I shouldn’t.  I’d leave myself with so many new regrets and amends to be made.  I can’t put peoples lives in danger, and I don’t want to be so violent to myself.  So while an hour or two may  bring “some” relief, when I look at the big picture I don’t want to go there.  But I really don’t know what else to do.  Just keep on existing?  Just show up for life with this sadness & heaviness & dread on my heart?  I don’t know.

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