Every damn morning I wake up re-angry.  Every day over the course of the day I find forgiveness, understanding, softness, I fall asleep with compassion and acceptance.  Then in the morning I wake up “medium.”  Hurt but not angry.  Come 8, 9, 10 am, I am full on angry all over again.  And here I sit, 7:58 am and so mad my heart is pounding.  I went to yoga this morning, felt joy and light.  Got in my car, got a starbucks, checked my phone. Anger comes right back.
Pray.  Journal.  Pray. Let myself feel the anger and the sadness and the fears and pray some more.  I’m on the journal part.

I replay the realities of this situation.  How would she like it if I did this to her?  After the countless conversations about making ourselves available for each other via phone call when needed.  About being honest with each other.  About being one another’s outlet for shame feelings and truth telling.  How would she like it if I, supposedly one of her closest “friends” left a message saying: oh shit hey, my kid ran away a few days ago and it’s been really hard.  REALLY hard.  Awful really.  I’ve been talking to dozens of other people about it and actually have been getting some really amazing support from them.

She lets me know in a barely-audible vox message that she’s “been drinking” and has “come clean” in a meeting.  And wonderful Kevin, her supportive “friend” who wasn’t able to make it to her special coming clean meeting blah blah blah.

I leave a message with support, love, kindness, openness, non-judgement.  I ask her if she can talk.  If she wants to come over the next day.  No response.  The next day, I ask her if she can talk on the phone.  No response.  The next day I invite her over or ask if we can talk on the phone, and with each message, I tell her I love her and am here for her and can try my best to be an understanding friend.  No response.  No response.  No response.

And conveniently, unlike any other situation in our 9 months of talking-every-day-friendship, she just happens to not look at or play my messages for the past 3 days until it’s “too late” or a terribly inconvenient time to talk.  She responds when it’s a bad time for her to talk with lots of exclamation points and many terms of endearment.  Passive aggressive, anyone?

I haven’t been treated so shitty by someone calling herself a “friend” since J disrespected me over and over and over again, and I grit my teeth and tried to have  nice conversations asking to please pretty please respect my boundaries, dear friend.  Well, I was drinking then and am not now.
J could feign ignorance in her own selfishness, JS knows what she is doing on some level but oh… it’s not that black and white she says… she can’t help it… well, not so shocking news- hurt people hurt people.  And when you don’t take care of your own pain, when you don’t take care of yourself, that hurt comes out as mean spirited cruelty towards others- usually those you care for the most.

For the past week or two leading up to this, things were different.  I had pulled back from our voxing messages because I couldn’t handle her negativity as much and would rather not engage in it as often.  Listening to it at such a frequency and intensity could actually be enabling to it. So, we were voxing every 1 – 2 days instead of daily.  I was still there and supportive and asking about her days.  I’d share about mine without much response but knew she was having a hard time so pushed through.  We had a strong conversation on the phone the week prior (me- strong, her- I thought receptive) encouraging her to tell the truth to her husband about her anxiety dealing with Christmas lights.  Encouraging her to be true to herself about meeting with her sister.  I thought it was helpful, she acted thankful for the conversation but maybe it angered her and was the cause of this.  I can’t even guess her motives because I am not mind reader, so I can let that go.  I can let go of trying to figure out the why’s behind this.
So here we are.  She can be passive aggressive to me all day long, she can be a mean friend, rude and inconsiderate and intentionally knowingly hurtful as she’s doing, and I can use all of this to remind myself it’s her, not me.  Her, not me.  She’s not doing this AT me, she’s just doing it.  Her choices belong to her.  She has to own it, live with it, drink over it.

I’ll have to learn some new coping skills because what I’m doing isn’t working too well.  Not when I’m yelling at my kids, shorter with my husband, all because in the back of my head I am angry with her.  I need to let that go and then let it go again… and after that let it go.  I need to let HER go… with love and kindness I need to look that fear in the face and see it and accept it and lay it at God’s feet.  I can’t function in fear and anger.  Not without drinking, and drinking is not an option for me today.  I can’t live God’s will with anger in my heart but I CAN leave it with Him to do with as He wishes.
What I can do is let this friendship go.  I can be done with her, at least for now.  I can see that beneath my anger always has been fear.  Fear of losing a beautiful friendship that carried both of us through some very hard moments, mourning and sadness for that loss.  I can’t go on caring and investing my heart and hope for kindness from her and being treated with such meanness though, it’s not reasonable, and in the end, my kids, my marriage, my productivity throughout the day, my joy, my trust in God… it’s worth far more than one toxic friendship.  It breaks my heart but I give up on her because I have to.