I love looking at old posts as I journey through recovery in alcoholism.  I love seeing what had me SO LOW and knowing now, to look back- those things don’t effect me, don’t matter, they’re history.  I’m able to move on and  move past them.

Because it is so helpful for me to get them OUT of my body and ON the screen, and then later, a gift again to look back and be strengthened by it, I am doing it again now with a very little-but-crazy-in-my-head ordeal.

It is said that resentments are what drive an alcoholic to drink again, more than any other issue.  They’re sneaky.  They’re not always outright anger (though it can feel like that quickly if you let it grow) because we deal with anger.  Resentments, those quiet little “but I was right…” or “but I should teach them a lesson…” or “I can’t let people get away with treating me so bad…” or whatever.

Jesus’ sermon on the mound helps me.  I listen to it and it cry.  I do. not. want. to love my enemies and pray for those who wrong me.  I do. not. want. to forgive and move on happily with my life…. why is that?

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

We are talking about $25.  In the grand scheme of my life, $25 missing is something I barely notice right now.  It’s not a big deal.  But the way people have lied, dismissed me, went back on their word, and just been downright rude and mean…. that is what I can’t let go of.  Can not any of these people see how mean they are being for seriously no reason.  I have been reasonable.  I have been polite.  I have been …. well, right.  I have given proof.  I am just, in every way, right.  Why are these people not seeing my rightness?

If I “forgive” them, where does that leave me?  Looking like a schmuck?  I have to see these assholes all the time.  One of them is my damn next door neighbor.  What do I do with that?

*Audience of one* … all that matters is that God approves of my behavior and choices.  Which right now, I’m afraid he likely does not.  I’m sure He knows that I’m hurting and hold onto unhelpful anger/resentment, but by NOT letting go, not forgiving, I don’t think he appreciates that.  I can’t imagine God would be smiling down on me right now thinking about how he sacrificed HIS only begotten son for my salvation, for me to be here waking up at 3 am angry about the board’s adamant “no” on refunding my $25 late fee.  Come on.  It’s $25.  Who cares.

Well, apparently I care.  It was my FIRST ever electric bill at that residence.  We had just bought it the end of the summer prior.  I was a new resident.  I don’t get the mail every day looking for bills that I don’t know I’m supposed to receive.  Some things are billed quarterly, some ANNUALLY, some twice a year- it is reasonable that I would assume that a bill would come ‘whenever it came’ … not look for it one certain month, when I was new and had no idea what to expect.  There was no grace, no kindness.  I had “proof” of not receiving the bill because when I received the next bill with the late fee 3 months later, I sent a message to the man we bought it from asking how often they bill, why I have a late fee, stating in it that I never GOT a previous bill.  I asked for a reasonable consideration for crediting the late fee and it was met with “only if you didn’t receive the bill.”  Ok, that makes sense.  I didn’t receive the bill and all facts point to that.  Here is a screen shot of the message I sent when confused about the late fee, stating that I never received the bill.  A lady tells me that message can’t be real because that’s the day she mailed out the bills, so I couldn’t have gotten it then.  Accusing me of making it up?  Ask the man I sent the damn message to then.  I don’t know what to tell these people.

I want to fuck with them, I want to be mean to them, I have it in me….. I really do- and they reeeealllly deserve it for being mean to ME!  Nobody calls me a liar, accuses me of falsifying things, steals from me and treats me disrespectfully and gets away with it.  <<<– this is how I am thinking and feeling though I know it is very wrong and unhelpful and NOT what a representative of God should do.  Even writing that out I feel this swoosh of “old me.”  Not God in me, but old me that is righteous, indignant, demanding, and controlling.

I know I can’t control how other people treat me.  All I can control is my own self.  My thoughts and actions.  Though I can’t seem to control my thoughts here.  They are so running wild.

I mean, WILD.

I can’t recall being this …. not quite angry, because the anger comes and I can let it go…. what’s the word then, this… something, in sobriety.  I have had many challenges in my sobriety.  Just a few days back I had a full dose of anger pulsing through my body about a situation with my mother…. it came and left SO easily, even when it was SO STRONG and big and honestly, also very reasonable.  Yet here we are, people have been mean to me, they are not being reasonable, they are handling this without logic.  The woman saying that I made the message up is acting on fear probably fearing for her own job… I get it.  I do have compassion for her.  She surely doesn’t want to be in trouble for not getting the bill to me.  Fine.  Then leave it up in the air, leave it open, no need to blame me for LYING when I am NOT LYING!

uggghhhh, I just can’t.  I’m not crying about this, I just want to get them.  I have so many ways I could.

I hope to some day look back on this and feel compassion for my now-crazy self and see so clearly how I “could” have chosen to let this go.  But right now, still, I can’t.  I’m not going to win against these people.  I could take them to small claims court and I would win there.  And if I didn’t win there, it would be an easy acceptance.  But I would.  I can’t possibly put myself through that because I HAVE to do everything in my power to try and let this go.  Get over it.  Smile at the assholes.  Be my normal pleasant self to them.  All the while they’ll probably be disliking me….. the tool right next door who for some reason is just such a tool.  I’m feeling so mean inside, so ugly and hateful and vengeful.

I pray, I pray and pray and pray and pray and the thoughts come in even WHILE I’m praying.  God has removed much bigger mental obsessions so I know HE can do that for me again, on His time, not mine.  Thy will be done…..

What am I supposed to do though, and howwwww could I possibly do it?

How to let this go?