If I find the courage and strength to go to breath, breath can take me to God and I can be there.  I can exist without wishing I didn’t exist.  Not for long, but it makes it tolerable for a bit.

If I try to make myself be happy I can find things for which I am thankful.  Do I feel actual joy and gratitude for these wonderful things, no.  I shall try anyways, because it is all I can do sometimes.  A gratitude list, as they call it in AA.

I have a roof over my head and my home is actually even clean right now.  I have a car that works and gas in the tank.  I have these kids who are amazing, (or are they?) (No, I will try to focus on the positive………) and healthy and strong.  God has redeemed my soul, given me a new life with Him, and is leading me on this journey.  (Or is he??!)  (Ok, trying!)  I have come a long ways from being the angry, hateful, loathing person I used to be, 4, 8, 10, 20 years ago.  I have 3+ years of a genuinely new heart and new outlook, ever since that day on the couch when I called out to a God I didn’t believe in.  He has also redeemed my marriage, my husband has been sober from porn for 2.5 years I think.  He supports me.  He is not perfect, and neither am I, but I can be thankful for him being a different, better man than he was for 10+ years to me.  We have money in the bank.  I have a great sponsor.  I have two very very good friends and another handful of friends who I could count on to come and be with me if I needed.  I am able to sit and breathe.  I am able to garden, to grow vegetables, to live on an earth where I can do that.  I live in a place that is out of harms way.  I have a dog that loves me and food on the table.  I have friends who care.  A husband who cares.  A 12 step program that has changed the way I view coping with hard things.  A church that feeds me.

It sure is hard not to bring up the negatives or question marks.  I’m weaning off of an anti-depressant and that may be some of my challenge right now, God has funny timing if he waited for that to show me my son’s betrayals.  Funny there means: cruel.

I tell myself the things I tell other people.  We don’t grow when things are easy, we grow on the edges.  We grow when it’s hard.  What if I didn’t need to grow, what if I was fine the way things were.  Why can’t things just. be. ok.

Just be pleasant and manageable.  Makes me sad.  Bummed.  I can’t wait for this life to be over.  I’m not going to be the one who ends it for myself but it’s just too hard here.  Too sad and hard.  I feel ill equipped and stranded.  I know people care, and I know in some cell of my body that God HAS equipped me and IS with me, but I just don’t really know right now.  I feel numb and lost and alone and broken.  So I pray some more and try to fake it until something falls into place, until He shows His mercy, until I can handle it.

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