The worst thing is that due to my behaviors (probably) & yelling, he tunes me out now.  He’s made his own coping mechanisms that when I yell, he just tunes me out.  Because I’ve yelled too much. It’s logical.

The worst thing is that nothing makes the pain go away.  The worst thing is that I’m angry with God and I let him know this morning for my first time ever since trusting Him.  I’ve “questioned” Him but not openly cried out to him in true anger.  I did this morning.  I don’t know how I feel about that but it doesn’t really matter.  I feel like nothing matters.  My friend J says there’s nothing worse than an alcoholic with a case of the fuckits.  Fuck it though, I just feel like I can’t do anything right so why bother trying.  If I’ve been TRYING for years, and this is where it gets me, then fuck it.  I’ve been trying for years, and I’ve been TRYING TRYING hard and in a new light in sobriety for 10 months.  I barely yell any more.  BARELY.  Once every maybe 2 or 3 weeks I will slip and scream about something stupid (bringing the dog in, as it is this morning.)

I asked God if he fucked up.  If he gave me the wrong kid.  Why he isn’t equipping me to deal with this, why He isn’t giving me the patience and the answers and the solutions that I need.  I ask him if this is a mistake, and what am I supposed to do, just kill myself?  Yes, I asked God if he just wants me to end my own life.  Threatening God with my life didn’t really get me anywhere.  Nothing did.  I pray and I pray and I cry and I hurt and I beg and I ask and I get angry and I plead with the only one who can heal this situation, heal my heart, heal my son’s heart.  And here we are, still the same.  There’s no shortcut through this shitty life, there’s just going through it.

One week ago today I had no idea the depths of my kids betrayal.  “All kids do this.”  “This is normal.”  “They’re testing boundaries.”  “He brought you to it, he’ll bring you through it.” “You’re their mother for a reason.”  “Keep on keeping on.”  “Consistency & repeat.”  All of these things people say are bullshit.

I can’t drink it away, I can’t buy a new watch, I can’t go spend 5 hours at 3 stores shopping.  I can’t binge eat.  Even if I sit in the dark on the floor and eat a whole pack of oreos plus 3 junior cheeseburgers from wendys and a large fries and wash it down with some diet soda, it’s still there.  I can’t fast it away.  I can’t exercise it away.  I can’t chop my hair off to deal with it.  I can’t burn my arms or ankles to make it go away.  I can’t buy a new watch or a new ring or scrub the floor to make it go away.  I can’t ease the pain by sharing the burden, it does not make it half.  I can’t sit I can’t stand I can’t jump I can’t walk to lessen the pain.  It doesn’t go anywhere.

Occasionally I can ignore it, maybe I can go a few days numb and in shock and just slightly sad.  And then it’s still there.  What the fuck is there to do with this?  Pray.  Journal.  Share it with a trusted friend.  Self care.  Read your bible.  Yoga.  Be in nature.  Pet your dog.  None of this helps me.  NONE.  I do it all and it’s nothing.  It’s going through the motions.

I sob quietly 1 long sob at a time when I go into the bathroom, into a towel and I put the towel back.  No tears come.

When tears do come it’s too much and it brings me right before the God that made the whole sky and the whole ground and the whole oceans and I can’t do anything but be angry with Him.

“You have to let go of the anger.”  “There’s no other way, than through it.”

I’m tired.  I’m sick.  I’m diseased in my soul.  My spirit cries.  Pleads for help.  And there is none.

((I should have prefaced this with saying my struggles are with one of my sons, not my husband.  We are doing really well.  God has blessed us and redeemed our souls individually and in marriage.  I’ve been sober from alcohol for over 10 months, H from porn for about 2.5 years I think.  Sober from yelling & anger, not so much (me, that is.)  My friends- mostly through yoga, our co-op, AA & a few close friends at church are available to me, I’m not suicidal.  Just alone and tired out.))  Thanks for reading & caring.

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