One at a time, my kids shoes get too small for me.  I no longer slip on my eldest son’s shoes because though they fit in length, they are stretched tall from the height of his arches and now I choose son #2’s shoes to slip on.  This brings me great joy and some pain.  My kids are growing.  Yes, this is the goal for humans, to live and thrive and grow.  And of course, we all know it represents growth out of the baby stage and how hard that can be.  Every sign of my kids growing older comes with a droplet of pride, joy, and also regret that they must grow.  They must go forth and exist as their own person.  I have never been one of those moms that needs someone helpless to rely upon them to live (thanks R), but here we are, and I WILL miss them needing me.  Not in an unhealthy way, necessarily, but in a way that perhaps most moms do feel.  It is weird and hard and sad and enlightening all at once.  All because I slipped on #1’s flip flops and they were too big, too “tall” for my foot today.

H got a promotion at work, a huge one, one very well received by his peers and he is proud.  I am so proud of him and with him.  Our life is so blessed, God has been so very good to us, and yet, I ask more of Him.  I ask every day for His will for me, for His strength and clarity and wisdom.  I ask for Him to take away the burdens of my heart and align my heart with His plans so that my life can feel easier.  I ask for Him to give me what I need to deal with uncertainties throughout my day, every day.

AA has brought me so much closer to God.  Yoga has brought me so much closer to God.  God has brought me so much closer to God.  I yearn for nothing more than His love and His strength, and miraculously, he continues to give it to me day after day, through the diving spirit within me- His Holy Spirit.

I am thankful that my children are growing, will some day be taller than me, will some day not need me.  Yet I can’t not want to give another child a life.  I am not burdening H with this at all.  I’ve been totally normal and fun and fine, yet it resides in my heart.  Maybe it will for another 15 years.  Maybe for another month or day.  Whatever is to be, Thy will be done.

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