I mean really, I thought my marriage was ending.  I had spun so out of control and had given up any shred of grace I could have for my husband having his own life, his own feelings, that I genuinely was thinking, sobbing, heaving tears of misery as I pictured having to go back to work after our divorce.  I don’t take my misery lightly do I?

It was last Thursday, the day that a new employee confirmed he was taking a new position, thus elevating my husband’s position.

He was stressed, and slightly withdrawn.  He ceased to touch me when walking by me, his more “aggressive” moments of initiating intimacy decreased, and he had less light in his eyes.  Surely, he was cheating on me.  Surely.  How many days could I take without berating him?  1?  2?  5? Yes, five painful days.  Had I just said something, had voiced my thoughts, had given words to  my fears, had kindly shared what was bothering me like a reasonable adult…. well, that would have really changed all my “sickness” the past 5 days.  But instead of giving those fears a voice and putting them into words outside of my body, I kept them in and allowed them to grow in anger and fear and more anger.  Why is everything so dang clear after the fact?

I can see today that I was being absolutely ridiculous.  I apologized and thanked him and asked him for what I needed in a KIND way instead of a nonsensical demanding pouty way.  And by God- everything is totally fine.  It really boggles my mind and brings tears to my eyes to think of the pain I put upon myself the past 5 days.

I need to remember that he is human, just a mere mortal.  That I am not God, that I am just a mortal as well, and that neither of us is perfect.  I don’t even know what started my spiral into my own insanity, but I CAN learn from it.  God, please be with me, keep me sane, take away my spiraling negative thoughts and guide me on this journey.  Thank you for giving me a loving, kind, compassionate husband who somehow does not tire of me.

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