My sponsor is so insightful.  Not only did she shed light on what I put  myself through the past 5 days, she offered absolutely amazing perspective.

  1. I kept it all to myself festering for a painful 5 days, and then I finally did explode in an accusatory, angry, distressed hot mess on the 5th day.  ** Perhaps I needed not to take my accusations to H at all.
  2. It is surely a burden and weight to my husband, even though it is entirely in my own head/of my own doing when I work myself into these negative spirals.  While yes, 3 years ago it was warranted, now, it is absolutely not warranted to bring him down when my *feelings* are telling me something.
  3. I should keep this in mind in the future for the next time suspicions arise.  I could take alternative routes like calling someone else for perspective or a reality check.  Sometimes I may just need to write it out or speak it out or talk to someone, just somehow get it out of my body, but perhaps I need not burden him (in an already very stressful period of life for him) with feeling guilty or overloaded.
  4. How would I feel if he came to me, accusing me of drinking again, telling me that he had this FEELING and was so terribly certain that he was RIGHT, and trying to force me to “just admit it” and “just tell him.”  I’d be enraged and supremely irritated/angered, honestly.
  5. Now imagine that I’m already dealing with something very intense, substantial, life changing even, outside of his “feeling” worried about my addiction (when he has no real reason to worry about it.)  How would that make me feel to have to deal with his pain in the ass interrogating and crying and screaming about it when my plate is already full and overflowing with other stressors?
  6. Each time I am *so sure* that he’s been unfaithful and I end up being WRONG, is an experience I need to remember. It has been twice now that I have shared those intense moments with my sponsor. One time– the FIRST time that I had those feelings, 3 years ago, I was very right, and that was very, very terrible, but today, I can realize that my feelings are not always correct!  And they are just feelings.  Feelings do not need to define reality.