had such a beautiful, special day yesterday.  Welcomed with open arms and open hearts into a family from church.  So moved and touched by their generosity, love, openness to us, it almost confuses me.

Confuses me how their family- and millions of others- can be so open and loving and genuine.  So authentically GOOD in how they just care for one another, know and accept one another…. and it just confuses me as to how we- H & I, have never really had that.  It makes me sad.  Bittersweet.

I yearn for that and have a fear that I won’t have it later in life with my own children.  I have to let go of those resentments and fears and just accept what is, be grateful for this other family accepting me and calling us their own.  It brings tears to my eyes at how welcoming they were to us.  It just gives me a bittersweet HOPE that maybe we really could fall into their family, maybe we could be cared for and loved by other people, as a family.  I have plenty of friends, but no family.  Family is different than friendship.  It’s always there.  It’s permanent and it forgives and it accepts, because it “has to.”  I just felt so wonderfully at home with them.  H did too.  It’s amazing but also unusual in a foreign way.  Something new to grasp and appreciate.

I went through the day without drinking, which was weird.  Good, but weird.  Great to not have to be embarrassed after the fact by drunk things that I said or did, but weird to just… exist, normal, sober, boring me.  I attacked myself when we got home.  I didn’t know it was coming, I did all of my self injuring things.  I  just let myself.  I didn’t even fight it.  I didn’t have the strength to be stronger after a day of socializing without alcohol.  Some self pity today.  Not sure whether to lean in or try and get out of it….

Grateful and confused and happy and accepting (trying) and grateful some more.