When you’re at the very bottom, you have to set up your life to make it livable, even if rearranging it is very hard to do and disappoints others.  I’ve always heard the saying “you don’t know how strong you are until it is the only option you have left.”  Just now, I am understanding it differently.  I couldn’t go on the way life was, between relationships, the lack of purpose/boredom, the drinking, the obsessions and compulsions, the PAIN in all of it.  So it really became the only path, to rearrange things.  I’m rearranging things.  With M, with A/work, with J.  It is hard, they all feel disappointed or hurt or upset with me for it.

But if I don’t do it– tell them, ask for what I need, set boundaries— thing is- they’d continue to hurt me- in a deep way that effects me in all aspects of life.  It had to be done.  I feel powerful and thankful but guilty at the same time.