So many obsessive feelings this morning.  4:15 am and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  Up until 12:30 reading, so today will be hard.  I’m trying to journal here every day.  To keep myself open and getting these things OUT of my head and onto the paper.  Screen.

I am feeling the tugs of codependency for a dear friend right now who is dealing with so so much.  I am feeling extreme anxiety over an old friendship.  Well, 2 old friendships.

Last night in my nightly inventory of the day, I noted that I DID hurt somebody and I probably AM hurting them every day: M.  I asked her for space and distance in our friendship, told her that I needed a break from our friendship, I asked respectfully and with love.  She did not respond well.  Well, she responded with extreme concern and a total lack of respect for my request.  I replied once, and answered one phone call in the past 1.5 months, but she is relentless.  H says it is like a breakup, and she isn’t letting go.  If she would let go, we could be casual friends- she was just so incredibly dense and hurtful to me, for the LAST time, and it was a gift.  Her disrespect and lack of filtering around sensitive issues (the history of my marriage problems) was too hurtful and it was the last time I was willing to accept it.  SO, I asked for space.  Said it would not be forever, but that I needed to step back from that friendship.

First she questioned, she “worried” with phone calls and emails and voice mails and texts to my husband “worrying” about me.  Yesterday she started demanding, leaving a crying voice mail with a demanding tone that it’s been long enough now and she needs me as a friend.  I don’t respond well to demands, yet I think she needs more explanation.

I’m trying to consider what the next step should be.  I’ve been thinking about VA and my old therapy visits with her.  She had such clarity and strength in this regard.  I want to do what is kind, yet also stand up for myself and keep my  boundaries intact.  I can not have a friendship with her right now, it just uses and zaps and takes all my energy.  I feel very  busy with life right now between AA meetings and yoga, along with my regular (healthy, wonderful) friendships, church commitments (which I love most of the time), I just can’t.  And I’m not sure that I even need an excuse.

The history of our friendship is rich, but that doesn’t mean that it erases the problems of it.

H says that if I do any further contact or explanation of why I need space from her, it should be in an email so she can READ it and re read it to understand.  She doesn’t tend to listen well real time because she is too busy reacting.  I am thinking of writing her something like this:

Dearest M,  I’m sorry that I haven’t answered when you call or email- I really need to be selective right now with who I surround myself with- I am still dealing with some big challenges in life and though God is with me, I have to do the work and protect my spirit.  I can’t be active in our friendship right now; I just don’t have room or space in my life right now for anything besides what’s right in front of me.  As you know from our years of friendship and all my stories, I have boundary issues with friends, and I am working on it right now- I need to continue having some distance.  I love you and your family.  If you are able to let go of needing me so much, we could get back in touch down the road.  It will probably be several months, if not more.  Prayers for peace and strength to all of you,

I am going to digest this.  I don’t want to be patronizing.  I want to be firm, clear, but kind and compassionate.  But it feels a little patronizing…. I don’t want to SAY, “you say the most inappropriate and hurtful things” but perhaps I should?  Perhaps I should just be direct and put it out there and be done?

Dearest M, I know you are struggling with the distance I have asked for in our friendship- I continue to need space.  While I have always loved your candor and honesty, you say many things that are hurtful to me- I can’t have that in my life right now.  I know that you do not mean to do it, but the ways in which you refer to and frequently bring up H’s past and issues has worn me down and I can’t accept any more of it.  Even if you try not to bring up those things, I am not able to deal with our friendship right now.  I am working on some personal things that have required me to protect my spirit and have some boundaries.  While I love you and your family and appreciate you so much, I can not be active in our friendship right now and will not be able to for several months, maybe more.  I wish nothing but the best for your family and you are still in my prayers.  I care for you very much, despite not being able to be in contact for a while.  Love,

Ok.  Ugh.

Promise #11: We Will Intuitively Know How to Handle Situations That Used to Baffle Us.

This situation baffles me.