I miraculously found the strength to tell J what I have been dealing with for the past 11 weeks.  I also miraculously asked her to entirely stop sharing a certain part of her life with me- her unfaithful choices.  Right or wrong, she feels entitled to follow her heart and her urges outside of her marriage.  Hearing about that constantly is toxic to me.

It has been so hard to determine whether or not it is “mean” of me to ask her not to share that part of her life with me.  She is in love with a man for the past 4 years that at the time, sadly, I encouraged her to move forward with.  Now I have asked her to shield me from sharing that part of her life with me.  It has grown into a monster, she lives for him.  Though is physically involved with another man as well.  And also her husband…. it’s just too toxic and hard for me to keep separate and I finally had the courage to tell her that and ask for what I need.

I do not know how she will react.  I sent it as an email and am anxious but accepting of any outcome.  I know that whatever happens, that ALL OF THIS, as intricate and amazing as it is, is part of God’s plan.  If I lose her as a friend entirely, I accept that.  If she is angry or hurt, I accept that, and I will maintain my request at any cost.  Not hearing about her romantic affairs is worth sacrificing the friendship to me.

Another slice of my codependency- to let people manipulate and walk all over me and “use” me…. when I was really in the thick of things with H, being separated, in a most awful part of pain…. she just went on and on about how she was essentially lying to her husband the way H had been lying to me– I remember being silent while she spoke and then didn’t really respond to her and I thought she got it.  But she didn’t.  Days later, I shared with her how it made me feel to hear about the lies and deceipt, being that I was being the recipient of similar lies and deciept in my marriage.  And she KNEW, she knew all of it, all the gory details of what was happening in my marriage!  It blew my mind.  I asked her to not speak to me about it any more and it lasted maybe one week.  After a week or so she had to go back to it and not respect my boundaries there.

“I know you asked me not to talk about this but….”

talktalktalk about these issues and then some off hand remark like “oh, is this allowed, can I say this?”

That just hurts.  When I was dealing with an unfaithful husband and learning about his betrayals and her going on and on  about how she is doing the same??  Ouch.

Ok, well, whatever happens now is what it is.  I have this odd peace and almost excitement that things could be better.

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