There are so many problems I created for myself when I was in a loveless marriage, when I was drunk every day.

I put up so many walls and created so many bad habits.  At one point I tried to seek out someone to have an affair with.  I remember men at the gym, in 2009 & 10… there were certain male “friends” from the gym that I often tried to always leave at the same time with, hoping that we could chat and *something would happen* in the parking lot.  At one point I went onto craigslist and tried to find a one night stand.  I I don’t know why I didn’t go through with any of it.  I can only thank God that he worked in some way to protect me from myself in those moments.

I yearned so much for physical touch, to be told I was beautiful, for someone to desire me, for someone to want to be close to me.  My husband wouldn’t/couldn’t/didn’t, and I was eager… more than eager, NEEDED to be touched.  So I fantasized way outside of my marriage for a very long time.

I don’t know if it’s because of those years or if it’s just one of my innate weaknesses and temptations, but still- even now when I adore my husband and he DOES give me what is right in a marriage… still, I can’t be around men without feeling attraction and desire for them.  It really is unfortunate, because every person offers so much – the different perspectives, the experiences.  Men and women are so different, on purpose, and for good- by God’s design.

Yet when I sit in a mixed meeting with both men and women, and those men are vulnerable and open and raw and trying, when they are pushing through their fears and sharing how hard it is and are open about struggles and overcoming them- or not overcoming them…. it just hits me so deeply and stirs me in a way that it really should not.  So.  I just avoid them.  They are attractive, and just that openness… I can’t not be drawn to it.  I am so distracted in those meetings- I can’t focus on the topics, I can’t get any real benefit from what is said, because I’m too focused on very inappropriate things.

The things that they say- it is probably the codependency in  me, wanting to take care of everyone.  The more someone is hurting, the more I feel like I want to rush in and save them.  And what’s more comforting than sex??  Ya, exactly that.  Not good.

Sex is an urge that God gave us to keep the species going.  It’s not meant to be a feeling easily denied.  But to channel that only into our spouse seems so hard for me.

So for about 3 weeks I went to 3 or 4 meetings per week- 2 or 3 of which were mixed.  My main one and the first one I attended was a women only meeting and continues to be the best place for me.  Now I go to only two per week, and only women’s meetings.  It feels safer.  Not from a danger/safety standpoint but from a temptations in my heart standpoint.  I wonder what my life would be like if I had to work for a living outside of the house.  I feel temptation and urges towards other men when I simply walk through the halls (around other men) of the AA building.  I think everyone in that entire building knows why everyone else is there and I just feel this vibe of attraction in every direction.  It’s like a secret dangerous club where everyone knows that everyone else is in some stage of recovery for the most part, and therefore, is weakened and potentially available sexually.  It’s weird.  I try not to look anyone in the eye, because if I do- I find that I will be thinking about them.  This can’t be normal.

Other women have talked about men as a cross addiction.  Being addicted to men.  I’m addicted to many things- I speak openly about binge eating disorder.  Temptations to smoke cigarettes.  I speak about how God has removed the compulsion for alcohol.  But to feel addicted to men… it’s so odd.  Unfortunate.

I pray on my knees every day for God to restore me to wholeness, to sanity, to remove my compulsions.  He is working on me.

 

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