written on 2/23/15

Writing about and remembering the pain and the horrible treatment of my children took my breath away, quite literally. M came up to me as I sobbed, pulled back from the computer, and asked me “what’s wrong mommy.” I looked into his face and prayed to God a prayer of unknowing and gratitude, wondering how or why He blessed me with two more children when I treated the first two so horribly. I still don’t know but I feel unbelievably undeserving. I looked at his face, into his eyes, as he stared at me wondering why I was crying into my hands. I praised God out loud, repeating “thank you,” without understanding these gifts that have been bestowed upon me.

**

Some things that I’m realizing:

People are capable to feel their own feelings. Or not. But if they don’t, it doesn’t have to be my responsibility to take on their feelings. People don’t need me as much as I place their neediness of me upon them. People are able. I am able, and they are able.   Two separate things. Everything has a consequence, and I don’t have to carry the weight of other peoples consequences. Amazing, right?!

I need not think about and stress about other peoples difficult predicaments, I need not constantly talk with them about wishing I could take some of their pain, I need not offer random unhelpful ways to attempt and take on their burden for them. I need not offer things that suck time away from my family and self in order to take care of others. This does not mean I need to become cold and uncaring and never helpful. It means that I can allow people to handle things that they get themselves into.

I realize that when people do things repeatedly that cause themselves pain, and when I constantly, am available 90% of the time they “need” me (are crying, are distressed, are in a sad state of despair), and I “help” them by listening, validating them, telling them I understand when I DON’T UNDERSTAND, by saying things I don’t mean, don’t want to say, and don’t agree with at all…. it only perpetuates more of the same.

I feed their problem. They cause it, they like what I give them when I enable more of their bad choice/problem, feed, it, and they do it again and again! Meanwhile, I get angry that they keep doing it and I keep “having to help them” with something that they really are putting upon themselves. It just keeps on going. While I keep standing, weak and frustrated and angry and they keep coming at me, asking in manipulative ways, dumping on me, pouring their very serious problems into my heart, and I let them.   I stand upright and take it and somehow, ask for more. All while complaining inside, growing irate, taking it out on my husband and children.

I feel God’s love for me.

More than just in a God loves me kind of way, but in a God loves ME kind of way. I feel special to him, as if he knows me and loves me and is watching over me… or watching out for me, perhaps would be more accurate. I feel his presence in my life in the timing of things, in the details of it all. It seems as though I have been a victim of this codependency thing, as if my pain and suffering as a child and teenager led to my pain and suffering in college years and all of the bad choices that they entailed… which led to my pain and suffering in an emotionally unavailable marriage and in manipulative, unloving friendships. A victim of my circumstances. And yet I see differently now- I see that it was all my own doing! I allowed and enabled all of those problems and all of that mistreatment. In my allowance of them, it fed the hunger of the one using me.

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