I’ve just added super long stuff that I had been writing in a word document.  Just copied & pasted.

Anyone who knows about this blog does not know me in real life, for the most part.  They came to this blog when my husband’s secrets and deceit was coming to the light.  They knew me when I was angry, so very angry and hurting and confused and in a deep state of pain.  They knew me when I was hateful and broken and confused and ruined inside.  And I bet learning that I am an alcoholic, to them, kind of makes sense.  I was very up and down.  Very… flip flop, uncertain, nothing was obvious to me then, even the obvious.

For anyone familiar with alcoholism and with my journey with my husband, this probably helps piece it all together- all the stuff that never made sense over the past few years.

I’d been drinking, almost daily, with a few exceptions (paused a few weeks or months at a time years ago, paused when pregnant), for about 4 years.  It started as a coping mechanism, a delicious distraction, a way to deal with life without love, life without attention.  It helped me deal with my own lack of self esteem, it helped me “deal with” normal, hard, life.

I was occasionally a black out drinker.  I would sometimes not even feel that drunk, yet in the morning, I’d realize we had sex, or I’d showered, or I’d changed my clothes for an early morning workout the night before… and I did not recall that.  I was less occasionally a pass out on the bathroom floor drinker.  Wanting to be responsible and be near a toilet in case I vomited.  My kids found me like that many times.  I tried to use it as a “learning” opportunity to tell them why one should not drink so much alcohol.  I drove intoxicated.  I am ashamed to admit that I drove intoxicated with the children.  I lied, I hid, I lied and hid it.

My husband and best friend oddly didn’t see it.  I’m still not sure how, or what that is all about, but they encouraged me that I “deserved” to drink to excess and reminded me how hard my life was.  Was it?  Doesn’t everyone have struggles?  Not their fault, but my codependency on their bad opinions fed unhealthy encouragement of my drinking.

I couldn’t retain a thought.  No wonder I *wanted to divorce* but *keep living together.*  I think those who tried to help me on MMSL thought I was just absolutely insane.

I was.

Cunning, baffling, powerful- that alcohol.  It was truly my best friend.  The first thing I thought of when my eyes would open in the  middle of the night, in the morning… the last thing I regretted every night when my eyes fell shut.

I’ve been going to 2-3 AA meetings per week for the past 9 weeks and I’m understanding so much.

God is so gracious.  He allows me to feel the consequences of my ridiculous actions and choices- he allows me to work within my own crazy free will, yet he is there to carry me through when I need him, which I do daily.  Hourly.

He has incredible mercy for me, his beloved child.  I thank Him, on my knees, every day.

My H has not done everything right.

He has betrayed me in such severe, painful, horrible ways.  He has hurt himself in such deep ways.

I have betrayed myself, Him, God, my children, really everyone- in my lack of honesty, my lack of acceptance and realization at what my role has been.

My husband had no idea I was drinking.  I held it together well.  Or, he just thought I was happy, maybe.  It doesn’t matter how he didn’t see it, an alcoholic can hide it, once they know it needs to be hidden.  And they know.  They protect their alcoholism more than any other relationship.  Until the day comes that they can’t any more.  I am thankful that it was only 4 or so years for me.  2 years of more extreme drinking and consequences.

Over the 4ish years, I tried a million times to “take a break” from alcohol.  To make sure I wasn’t “too” reliant on it.  It never worked.  I wasted hundreds of dollars on throwing it out and buying more the  next day.  Bizarre.

Today is a good day.  I thank God for that.

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