written 3/4

It was a good morning. I felt alive. My eyes were open, they were open because I was awake and they were open to the reality of what I’ve been through and emerged from. I was thankful for a good night of sleep. The sun was shining. I was living a second chance at life. I was getting sober. I was in recovery for almost two full months. My eyes were wide open to the blessing I was living. I felt the intensity and the weight of the gift I’d been given.

I had done some early morning coloring and workbook with the kids, watched the first 15 minutes of a video “pleasure unwoven.”

I took my coffee in the shower with me and enjoyed it in there. I felt the water beating down my hair, my back, running down my legs. I was feeling it all, living in my body, the only body that I have for this life. Living the only day I was given in this moment.

M was around, in and out, poking his little head into the shower curtain. I for once, was not frustrated or irritated with his presence while I was trying to have a moment of peace, I just loved him. I leaned down and kissed him because I so appreciated him. I appreciated him M and I appreciated HIM, God above, for blessing me so very richly in ways I did not deserve and will never understand.

I got out of the shower relaxed and clean and alive and present.

The music I’d been listening to was from the Bruno Mars Pandora station- I listened to Christian contemporary music 100% of the time now, so putting it on Bruno Mars was a very different change of pace. It was delicious!

I stepped out of the shower and heard the notes, the rhythm, the simple, slow chords. You know how some songs you can recognize by just a few notes? This was one of those songs. I recognized it and between the 2nd and 3rd notes, during the very long pause between them, it went into my stomach, right straight there, and each slow chord hit me right there with a physical pang of sorrow.

Then the words came.

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to

 

I cried.

For years, I was the one to allow such crappy treatment, to accept it as the norm, to internalize it and hate it, yet stand there and put myself right in front of it to keep taking it. I knew not how blessed I was in a million other ways; they all dulled beneath my layers of hurt and anger. I was rejected and neglected and looked through and looked past, the way that I’d come to accept as the norm.

I stayed and I stayed and I stayed and allowed him to hurt me and just keep hurting me. Day after day, I tried, or didn’t try, and it didn’t matter.

He wronged me every day, every single day he lied to me and betrayed me and remained living in secret, unfaithful and killing my soul, breaking my spirit, ruining my heart, one day at a time. Taking the love that I threw at him constantly and trampling over it as a total non issue.

Eventually, I came to self destruct, finding my own unhealthy obsessions and compulsions, so then there were two of us hurting me, not just him any more.

 

And the song played.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

 

Anywhere I did follow him! I did anything! I pranced around like a fool, trying to get his attention sexually. 4:30 would hit and after getting dressed, doing my hair and putting makeup on, I ran around the house like mad, cleaning it, preparing a good dinner, trying to please him, make him thankful for me, make him proud of me, make him proud to be married to me, make him love me….

I followed him around, begging for his attention, with my words, my actions, my language, my body, my lips, my smile, my anything. The sexuality that I put towards him is embarrassing. My own lack of self sends pangs of humility to my heart. I did not value myself at all; I’d let his disinterest in me take away my own care for myself and I made a fool of myself constantly in my attempts to get his attention. He didn’t notice, but I felt it all.

If only I knew- I can’t make someone love me. No one has that power. Where there is no love to be had, it was never my job to try and get him to share his heart with me.

The chords were so simple, and yet they went straight to my broken spot.

 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

 

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

 

I was always there, always wanting and waiting and hoping, that one day things would be different.

The thing is, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

If things stay the same, nothing changes.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

“I know nothing at all” … I had no idea how much of nothing there really was. I had no idea how much there was that I didn’t know.

I had no idea how to get there. Every time he would tell me that that was it, I knew it was a lie. I always knew. I remember being so angry, so tired, so WORN OUT every time he tried to tell me another tiny piece of his truth, knowing that it was not even remotely what I was asking for, what I Berved. It was over my head, I knew nothing at all.

He would lie, I would beg for the truth. Beg. I would feel the air pressure outside of my body being so much heavier than inside my chest- I would feel that I was so close to just literally imploding, so close to collapsing inward onto myself. Like I had nothing with which to hold myself upright among all the swirling lies and deceit.

I was disposable. He was showing me with every lie, how disposable I was, how small and meaningless I was to him. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise though, because every DAY for the past 10 years, I’d allowed myself to grow smaller and smaller, to shrink down to nothing, to become worthless to myself, to him, to my own self value based on his love for me.

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

I was always the one who was there. Who was trying when he was not. Even when I was partaking in bad behaviors, I was still there and trying. I acted out and did not have a pure heart, yet the actions were still for him. Everything came back to him. And then saying goodbye, and letting it all go- it was never what I wanted. If I was willing to let him go, I would have done it years prior, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to let him go. I loved this man, I loved him. I knew something wasn’t right, I knew something very deep was very wrong, and I kept on keeping on, waiting for a change that wasn’t going to happen.

It was not until I truly was able to say goodbye, that he had ultimately hurt me more than I could take, that I found the courage to trust, see, believe in what I couldn’t possibly see or know…. and then find peace.

I said goodbye. I swallowed my pride, was willing to let go entirely, and lose him. I said goodbye.

It felt so wrong and sad. Backwards, angering, wrong and sad. Why did I have to be the one to let him go? He had already let me go a decade prior!

Why was it me who had to break up our family and kick him out of our family home? Why was it me who seemed to be cracked open and ruined and shattered in unfixable pieces? Why would it be ME who had to be the one to cut him out of my life? Like a cancer, I had to remove him. He, the one in the wrong, the one who lied and betrayed me over and over, and then tried to smile his way through it and talk through his lies in a distant, stupid, dumb kind of way… he gets to just up and leave and go work on “healing” while I, the broken one who was shat on so heartily, am stuck alone and without answers?

So many times over the years, the almost-decade, so many one sided arguments. Often I asked him why he did this to me, why he pushed me away, turned me away, why he was trying to make me leave HIM? I accused him of being a coward, that if he was so distant from me and not available and couldn’t look at me or hug me or kiss me or touch me intimately, why not just leave?

But of course, he had the right words. Words that were fine, with no feeling whatsoever behind them or anywhere near them. Eyes that remained distant while the words tried their best. It seemed to satisfy me, so why not?

After years and years of putting up with an unloving, hurtful, emotionally neglectful husband, I was the one who had to swallow my pride and let him Go.

Ultimately, I chose my own destiny, with some pretty obvious help. I’m the one who, for the years of not knowing a God, accepted this horrendous treatment. I’m the one who allowed myself to be cheapened and disregarded. Had I known a God then, I would have known how much I was worth. Things would have been different. Not better or worse, but different. There isn’t much value in speculating.

God is in every detail of this story…. every last one. Everything I look back upon, I can see his working hands, putting it all together.

I can see so clearly that it is He who allowed me to let go. To give up, to have the willingness to walk away and leave it all. Only when I let go, did anything change.

 

“Say Something”

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble & fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Ooh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

 

 

3/5/15

Probably so obvious. Don’t give up on this life. Giving up on your life, your self, is essentially giving up on God. Don’t give up on Him. Trust Him. TRUST Him. allow yourself to believe in Him, the almighty God who wove you together when you were first coming to exist in your mother’s womb. Trust in that one Lord, the one magnificent force that brought you to existence through His design.

Don’t give up. Spirit lead me when my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you will call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior.

God I pray today, to take me to that place of no borders in my trust. Let me walk on water in your plan for me. Show me the hope that you hold for me. Show me your love, your plan, your compassion, your mercy for me, for your children, your loves. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me………

I look around and see so much stuff, so many things to fill the hole inside my heart, the missing piece in my soul. I have so much emptiness and so much sadness and it hurts.

Sometimes life just feels so heavy and pointless and unworthy, but I can not give up on God. He is with me through these moments of pain, he is with me in my despair and loneliness. I’m so weak and drained and empty on the surface of my heart, but I believe that if I could go deeper inside my heart I would find God there, just – being there, holding me together.

 

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