So much changes, yet so many things stay the same.  We’re still here.  Plugging away at life, living, loving, doing, giving, taking, just…. what life does.

Life now has a purpose, a meaning, a greater value than there here and now and my feeeeeeeelings.  Nothing compares.  It’s not all wonderful.  I still have moments of weakness, doubt, lack of trust.  My husband still has a polygraph done every 3 months.  He just had another one on Friday and it was wonderfully truthful.  This man has not masturbated in over a year!  That is hard for me to fathom, but it is true.  I know it is true and even without the polygraphs, I know it is true.  He has not touched another woman, orgasmed to/with/for another woman, not had any kind of relationship of intimacy or sexuality outside of our marriage.  I know it is true because of the way he looks at me, the way he initiates sex with  me, the way he touches me and wants me and loves me.  I mean he Loves me now.  LOVES.  Not going through the motions of love, but he Loves me!

Me, I love our life.  I have simplified.  Open to what God wants for me, I’ve gotten rid of a lot of distractions in my own life and opened myself up for more and more LIVING.  We have two dogs and a hamster.  The next will be either bees or hens.  I no longer have a smartphone, I have a $7/mo limited talk & text & data phone.  It is so freeing not to be attached to that dang phone in my hand.

I got this tattoo in anger, in a feminist-like moment of “I’m so strong and awesome I don’t need any bullshit” and by golly, I deserve someone who is AWESOME to me:

(edited to remove photo)

I got a new tattoo surrounding it, a lion.  A majestic, beautiful, peaceful, mysterious, loving, courageous, strong, quiet lion.  It now has a different meaning to me.

Philippians 1:27  [ Life Worthy of the Gospel ] Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel

Philippians 1:26-28 (in Context) Philippians 1 (Whole Chapter)

I am worth what Christ has given for me, and I must and will conduct myself as such.  I will see the good, help the not so good become better, bring it all into the light, with love- not anger or contempt.  And with this new love that I have to GIVE, those close to me find it easier to give the same back to me.  Acceptance, grace, love, honestly, faithfulness.  God is good and life is amazing.

I pray for those still seeking, still hoping and relying only on their own strength- that will never be enough, long term.  It will never fill their soul in every cell of their body- it will not be able to bring peace into their hearts so FULLY and almost… magically.  I know that everyone is different, and people find happiness in different ways, but nothing does compare to the love of God.  It’s something that can’t be understood though until you’re THERE with God.  I never had a clue.

My anger and self righteousness was so great, it was overwhelming.  My desire to control, get even, demand a certain type of treatment…. it was all for myself, and all for nothing.  So much pain, so unnecessarily.  Life here will never be perfect, but it can be beautiful, and for that, I am thankful in every cell of my body.

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