I sometimes think that I need to be more moderate.

“All things in moderation” they say.  They who?  And why didn’t they like intensity?

I give up trying to moderate myself; I’m just leaning into the real me, the real me that God wants me to be.

I don’t care for moderation really in any facet of life, I guess I never have… I can’t think of anything really that I’ve done “moderately.”  When I think of it… why would I?  Either I’m in or I’m out.  I don’t care to walk the line, or that other line, or any line at all.  Either I give it my all or I give it essentially nothing, but to do something just nicely neatly in between- well, no thanks.

I give God my best me every day in everything I do.  When I say I give Him my best me, I mean my ALL.  There is nothing that I do at any moment, knowingly sinning, knowingly doing something that He would turn his head from.  I will someday stand before him and be proud of serving Him, living a life that He is proud of, that he helps me life fully.

Last night I had a lot of sadness.  I had sadness over whether I’m “too much” and whether I should just “give up easier” and try to make myself not care as much.  What a joke.  I can’t care less!  I care far too much to care less!!

As far as my faith- I try to be moderate, to not be TOO God loving because I don’t want people to think I’ve gone off the deep end.  And then I realize that loving God and literally living for Him does not make one crazy… it makes one whole.  And if people need to find fault with that, that’s okay- I need to practice letting go, not worrying about non-christians not liking me, not valuing what I offer, not knowing the real me or where I’ve been or where I am going.

All I need to do is trust in God’s plan and trust that those who are meant to be in my path will find their way onto it.  Those that are steered away are just not in His plan for me to reach and I must accept that.

I told my husband last night how conflicted I feel, how deeply I feel Christ and how He is in every corner of my daily life, over and over and over again.  How I can’t be open about how much I am with him because people will think I’ve lost it.  It’s kind of hard, but I’ll find my way.  In the mean time, I guess I’m going to give up on this unrealistic expectation of myself to “care less” and try not to be so intense.  I need not bother trying to moderate myself in instances like last night…. it is what it is… what it is.  :)

 

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