There are little things that happen here and there, but things are so… normalized.  It’s been a year this month since the start of the iceberg became known.

I know that I ‘knew’ last December/January even though the whole truth didn’t COME OUT until Feb.  I KNEW well before I knew, well before he admitted the actual admission of sex with prostitutes.

A year after the 12:30 am wake up to “why does your phone have a ton of porn on it?” talk, here we are.  That was Dec. 20th last year.

I feel like a new woman.  I’ve found healing and love and hope and reality, all packaged in one beautiful, gory, crazy year.  I know he feels like a new man.  He looks like a new man, the look on his face, the expression of his smile, the shape of his eyes, of his face, of his distance from me- he *literally* looks like a different man.

There are days that come and go that make me scared.  That make me FEEL a twinge of fear, of just…. pure sadness/fear.  But they come and go so quickly, always within a few hours because I communicate them, and he is THERE for me, through it all.

He’s different.  I’m different.  We’re different.  I help others through their pain in similar situations and it is absolutely glorious, a gift from God.

I feel my strength, my faith, my hope and contentedness and love.  And he does too- I can see it.  Sometimes he is derailed just a bit (scrabble with D,  Chiro talk, etc.) but he gets through it and comes around and I get through it and forgive.

Forgiveness is the most beautiful gift of all.

No one’s perfect, no relationship is without stresses, but I am damn thankful for what I’ve got here and now.  I think he feels the same.

At least once a week we have  heart to heart talk lately- it feels so good to be with someone who is WITH me.  Who wants to BE with me, to love me, to touch me and feel me and SEE me.

I’m so thankful, it is beyond belief the progress he has made in a year.

I accept whatever happens and will deal with it accordingly.  I don’t know that we’ll forever be together but it sure does seem like it.  I don’t know that this was the hardest year of my life.  Even though I’ve been a basketcase, I somehow, some HOW felt prepared for it, like I was okay, ever since that day on the couch, ever since I knew I would forgive him.  It didn’t matter if he changed permanently (or semi permanently) or not, I forgave him no matter what.  And I still do.  It is THE gift in all of this.

So, I don’t have a lot of drama any more, not a lot of crying screaming afternoons when I come to write on the blog because I’m … well, not crying nor screaming much any more.

I help others, I work on my book, I rock out the mom thing.  I read the 911 on MMSL once a week and see if there is anyone that sounds like they could use some guidance.  I feel deeply for them and hope to shed some light of hope and guidance for them.  But it’s always going to be so specific to the instance.  My husband was so receptive to healing, I don’t know that it’s the norm, but it happens, as reinforced by Dr. Weiss.   Life changing, that intensive.  (www.intimacyanorexia.com – life CHANGER.)  :)

All good here in my little corner of the mitten.   No promises for things staying good, but the fact that they’ve been pretty darn good with ahhhh “normal” ups and downs, for months says a lot.  I’m riding it out and enjoying the ride.

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