When I’m feeling aloof or upset or withdrawn, I see him looking at me out of the side of my eyes.  Staring at me wondering “is she mad”, “what’s wrong with her?” “is she okay?” “oh no, did I fuck up, what’s going on?” 

I HATE IT.  I feel like I’m in control of his feelings and I do not want that responsibility.  I wish he would speak up when wondering something, without a second thought.  I wish he would just exist- just him, just be.  And I’d be there to enjoy his life with him, but not have it revolve around me.

I love it when he asks me straight up, what’s wrong?  It’s direct, it clears the air.  Sometimes I just blurt out what is wrong with me or why I’m upset before he even has to ask, but often I do let it build up until he asks. 

I hate that he is so careful with me.  I’m not fragile.  I like to be goofy and play and get mad.  I like to fight, to play fight and wrestle and I like him to show me that he’s stronger than me.  It’s sexy and loving and beautiful to know that your man is stronger than you and “could” do anything to you but loves you, so is loving with you.

I wish he would treat me like his annoying little sister once in a while, tease, laugh, joke, make fun of, purposely annoy and laugh about it.  And not WORRY that I’m going to be mad. 

I wish he would pretend to be the cocky guy he was when we were first dating.  He turned on the sweet often but he joked with me, he poked me to annoy me, he teased me.  He laughed at me, I’d yell at him not to laugh at me and he’d laugh some more.  He made me laugh, he brought out passion for me with with me.  He was himself.

He grabbed me, he touched me as he walked by.  Didn’t stop to force a makeout session every time, just a little tap while he was going about his own business. He stated his thoughts without worrying what I’d think.  He said what he wanted to say, not worrying whether I’d approve.  He was just himself.

That man is lost.

He got lost when he cheated on me in 2003 and never came back.  He still isn’t back.  He’s made a lot of progress, absolutely, but it is not that satisfying below the surface.  I am very, very optimistic, positive, uplifting, encouraging, thankful for the progress.  I’m not saying it’s not REAL when I am all these wonderful things, it is real, it’s maybe just that it doesn’t go as deep as it seems.

He asked me to tell him when I have a day of feeling attracted and loved and desired.  I told him it’s not a day at a time thing, it’s just moment by moment.  He says great things occasionally, but the frame of his entire personality is still weak.  I point out the great things.  Sometimes there will be stretches of hours at a time that he does sexy things, is strong, but it’s never a whole day kind of thing, it’s little pieces of awesome within an “improving” frame.  It’s not a frame of awesomeness yet.

I don’t know how he can get himself back and it isn’t my job to figure it out.  I assume that it starts with forgiving himself and faking some cockiness just to see how it feels and that it’s okay.  I can’t make him do those things.  I can wait.  I can try not to get frustrated.  I can focus on the positives, on the improvement.  I can try to kindly and playfully point out ways to improve, but I can’t make him reach within himself to allow himself to be.

I asked him to be rougher with me.  Every time we have sex and he grabs my hips I tell him I love his hands on me, to slam me into him, to grab me harder.  His version of grabbing me harder I can barely feel.  “Be rougher” with me doesn’t mean rub my clit harder, it means throw me around.  Be pushy, be demanding and strong.  When he holds my hands out from my body, and I give a little resistance, I want him to hold me down harder.  And if I give more resistance, pin me down entirely.  Spank me.  Flip me, push me, throw me down.  Carrying me to the bedroom doesn’t count for roughness.  It counts for initiating but not for going caveman strong.  It’s nice, but not hot.  Story of my life.  I want him to attack me like he is hungry, starved for sex with me.  I want to be wanted.  REALLY wanted.  Like it’s important.

Being rough with me doesn’t mean not to please me, it just means using his strength and desire to dominate me.  There’s a place for sweetness, I love some sweetness and gentle loving within a strong, commanding frame, it would be so delicious to get slow, soft, sweet lovemaking if the other 5x in the week I could have it hard and fast and like an animal.

I’m here and I love him and I see the improvements, but I know it can be much, much better still and I want the best that I can have with him.