Sometimes sadness can be sneaky.

He has severe back problems right now and he has been to the doctor, been taking strong anti inflammatory medication, wasn’t getting much better so finally he gave in and saw a chiropractor.  Any relief could be good relief.

We’d talked previously about how we both believe chiropractors try to suck you in and keep you coming constantly, how we don’t have insurance, but it is worth the out of pocket cost.

He came home that day a changed man.  Standing upright, able to walk.  The chiropractor had worked some magic.  And by golly he was awesome and really smart on top of starting to fix the back problem.

He wanted to go all in and give this chiropractor $675 right off the bat- that if he paid for several visits up front plus the orthopedics, that the chiropractor would give him a $70 discount vs. paying it as you go.  I didn’t like it but was quiet about it.  I had a skeptical look on my face but never once said “don’t do that!”  It was clear from my attitude and body language that I didn’t like it and it was clear that he loved it.

He became so passive, so…. lame… so weak and like a little helpless baby.  He did this head cock to the back so slightly thing that I haven’t seen in months… it’s his defensive head posture look and I hate it.

We left the topic, definitely no arguing or even disagreement- he just let it go and I let it go.

I was SO triggered by him looking/speaking/acting weakly though that it set the whole night into action for a bad night.  He mentioned getting frisky later and I said I didn’t think so and he let that go too.  We watched the old parenthood and I rubbed his back/head the whole time.  I took a bath and he didn’t come in to see me or be sweet or sexy to me.  I felt myself unraveling.  I got out of the tub and sat in front of the fire, ignoring family time happening in the other room.  I was spiraling, talking myself into a big catastrophe.  He came in, saw me, asked me what was wrong.  I told him.  I UNRAVELED.  The weakness in him during the chiro talk triggered my fear that he could be “afraid” to stand up to me or tell me something hard about worse things.  TElling me he was going to spend the money on the chiro shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, yet it broke him down and pushed him into his old passive voice/posture, etc.  What if there was something bigger, worse, more heartbreaking than spending $$ at the chiro?  I was scared.

We went on for hours.  I was sobbing, heaving, awful, engulfing sobs.  I was scared.  I told him it scared me into other thoughts that just took over.  He was there for me.  He was sometimes quiet, sometimes comforting, always present, holding me and loving me.

We got over it.  It started at 6 pm with the home-from-work chiro talk.  By 11 pm, we’d moved from me sobbing in hysterics to laughing quietly about silly little stuff and having sex.

It was eye opening for both of us.  Eye opening for me to see how easily old wounds can be torn open and the pain of that.  Eye opening for him too… he said at one point “I thought we were past this” or something like that- which I found incredulous- we’ll never be past it!  He backtracked into ‘that’s not what I meant’ talk… but he does need to know that these little silly things that trigger the pain could happen any time.  Unexpected.

The pain can be sneaky.  Came from no where.  And if asked during those few hours of utter despair how we were doing, I surely would have factually stated that we are doomed.  We’re not though.