I have this looming feeling that tragedy is going to strike my family.  More specifically, I feel cancer in me or my husband.  My best friend’s sister has breast cancer and is going through chemo now, so maybe it’s just heavy on my heart but ever since we have truly turned a new page, moved, and made peace with the past while moving forward, it just “feels” like something very bad will strike our marriage, in a health way.

Maybe it is just an extension of my mental um, issues…. but it is a troubling feeling.  I’m still feeling very depressed and so so tired, so blah and sloth-like and bored and empty.  It’s not that “he” isn’t filling me up with love, he is doing great, but I feel so slow and hazy and this HEAVY mental fog.  Kind of like medicine head but not with any medicine.

I pray every day that the universe keeps us all healthy and safe.  I do not fear death, generally speaking.  I know it’s an inevitable part of life, and I don’t really feel anxious or scared of dying, it’s just the process of the sickness that makes me feel scared.  The effect someone going through chemo has on their family.  Horrible.

Soooo, what else is going on- that’s about it.  I sit here and as I wrote that sentence I smiled.  I just… smile, when I think of how far we have come.  How much my marriage has changed, how much my husband’s priorities have shifted and how much more aware and gracious and in tune with myself and the universe I have become.  It feels damn good.

The friendships I’ve made over our marriage problems are some of the most valuable friendships I can imagine, and I think he feels that way about some of his new friendships too.  In spite of this looming feeling of cancer coming to us, I feel as whole and complete and fulfilled emotionally as I ever have- that is in big part thanks to myself and the universe, and also thanks to him.

It has been a long road, and I feel like we’re never going to arrive at the end of it and say “okay, we’re perfect now, we can relax.”  It will always be there, peeking in on us.  A few nights ago I asked him some things about temptation, feeling the desire to M/P/OW and we had a great candid discussion about it.  My breakdowns are pretty distant, getting more few and far between as the days go by.  It’s been a few weeks now, and I bet it will be a few more until it strikes me and hurts again.  Good things have come of this, amazingly.  Many good things already and more good to come, for us and for others.

Good things bring out the evil in some people, people who can’t accept that others CAN and do change… and I pity those people, but can’t control them.  I control only me, and I’m so proud of where we are, both us as a couple and me as a person.

 

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