I’m just not right lately.  SO irritable, easily frustrated, overly demanding- generally just a bitch.  I know it, I feel it, but I can’t “do” anything about it.  I am praying for a shift in whatever is causing me to act out like this.  My trip was hard.  Very hard.  Driving past all the old places, memories, things that now have a totally new meaning.  Driving past the home I gave birth in, the home he left me in when he went to have sex with other women, to give them our money for the most intimate thing he could share with them.  It stung.  Badly.  And it was deeply angering.

I’m sure that is why I’m behaving badly lately- it was just too much for me to take in stride.  So much hurt.  The years where I was the most accomplished, both as a mother and professionally and totally unacknowledged.  Sharing birth stories and remembering the lack of love and support.  It all just ripped opened those wounds and dumped salt in them.

I’ve shared all of this with him and there really is nothing for him to do except for offer me kindness.  I haven’t felt very SEEN or terribly loved since getting back.  The only time I felt loved and my normal internal happiness was after great sex 2 nights ago.  I felt like my normal, appreciated and appreciative self.

I am just going through the motions mostly though, and the moment he walks in the door from work, I turn into angry lady.  I love him, I know I appreciate him in theory but everything just hurts all over again.  Not in a breaking down crying way, but a I love him but am not in love with him kind of way, which is an awful, awful feeling.