Yesterday I had a dr appt, a general annual physical, which I haven’t had in years.  It was my first time having a physical with this doctor.  I found myself enamored with my physician; he asked me what was up, if anything had changed in my life in relation to the anxiety I felt and episodes of compulsion and hysteria I was experiencing (turns out I’m not the most stable person.)

I told him that about a year ago I discovered that my husband hadn’t been faithful.

He set down the papers in his hand, pulled back chair and spun it around to simultaneously face me and have his back against the wall, and stared at me.  I felt like he saw right through me he stared to intently.  He said, I am so sorry.

I looked away and thanked him.

He asked what was happening now.  I told him that we were working it out and had recommitted to each other.  He stared in silence, I looked away again.

Long moment went by, and he said, You must be a really amazing person to make that possible.

I felt so fucking validated by this man I did not know.  This 50-something father of 4 grown children.  He proceeded to spend over one full hour face to face with me talking about what I could do, options for my anxiety and panic attacks, and a few other issues.

I left there feeling more ‘seen’ than I have in weeks…. more… validated.  I know my husband loves me and thinks I’m a great person (I think), but this MAN that I don’t even KNOW, truly was present in that moment, in the midst of the craziness of his day, his million other patients in other rooms, he saw the amazing- he just looked and saw it.

I had a smile on my face all day long from this doctor appointment.  I told my husband about it and cried when I told him.  Sometimes I just want to be acknowledged that I’m doing hard things.  I’m not doing it “for” the acknowledgement but it just adds a little kick to my day.  It refuels me a bit.  To feel like I’m not crazy, it’s not all just in my head that I’m doing hard things.

Maybe he should get me a medal and I could wear it every day to remind myself that he thinks I’m awesome.  Kidding.  It was a good day.  We aired out some other things.  I felt some distance the past week or so- not as connected as before… and that hurt.  So we talked about that.  And I awoke this morning feeling like my heart had reopened to him.

Last night he said that he is scared that I will one day not be able to take it any more.  One day decide I don’t want to live like this, with a sliver of permanent distrust and disbelief in him, that I’ll decide I’d rather be separate.  That maybe it will be in reaction to something or maybe some day I’ll just wake up and be done.

It was odd for me to hear that.  Odd to hear that I’m not the only one uncertain.

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