In the best possible way, I am shocked and amazed at what tiny little thing transpired last night, and what it meant to me.

We didn’t have sex on Monday, and Tuesdays are really hard for me- I don’t do well with so much running around (kids stuff) and not seeing him until 8:30 pm, which is also bath night by default because of kids stuff, etc etc etc.  It’s hug, kiss, how was your day, snack and wine time the minute I walk in the door and we just have little to no time to connect.  He seemed tired, I felt tired and I knew that was showing.

I didn’t tell him I didn’t feel like sex, but since it had already been since Sunday (and now Tuesday), I assumed he would have initiated.

Instead, he was tuned in to me and my hard day, warm and comforting.  And finally, I allowed myself to revel in that, to accept that love and warmth and kindness instead of wishing instead for sex.  The focus is on sex so often that it’s hard to be happy without it sometimes.

I lied in his arms, talking about stuff, the day, funny stuff, laughing, loving.

Then he asked me if there was anything new with a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed with Cancer, and it’s extra bad for her.  I told him some things that were new, cried, he held me.  It felt good to cry about it for the first time.

We talked about church.  We talked about my trip to Milwaukee for work coming up.  He told me that since I’m driving, I could take the title of my car and Carmax it and get a new one.  He has been trying to get me to get a new car.  I decline.  I tell him that carmax isn’t going to have a matte car for me.

I explain that I’ve realized that I don’t like shiny cars.  I like them to have a nice dull matte finish.  I knew I was being funny, but it is true!  I am anti-new-car and I love older borderline junky cars.  I asked if he knew what matte meant and he said yes… but then started to tell me that that actually means that the car has not been cared for properly on the exterior, etc etc., and I said well, I’m not getting a shiny car.  If I want a reflection I can look in a mirror.  I want a nice matte one.

He held me tight from behind and said “God I love you.”

Never, ever, ever before has such a simple statement meant so much.

He was there with me.  He saw me, heard me, felt me in his arms.  He recognized the silliness of the conversation and allowed himself to enjoy it, to enjoy me, to enjoy BEING with me, sharing a moment with me, letting his guard down, accepting my silliness, and loving me.

I have never felt so seen, never felt such tangible, real love from him.

Such a small thing that to most couples would be nothing big at all.  But to me, it says a whole lot.

It has all been worth it.  HE is worth it.  I am worth it.  The path I have walked on was dark, very difficult terrain, and hard to see where I was going.  His has been hard too, but in horrible, different ways.  It was hard to trust that the chosen path before me would not suddenly drop off and I’d plunge to my death in a moment of darkness, but I remained.  I believed in what I EXPERIENCED, not what I was scared of, not feeding fear or rumors or expectations of failure.  I believed in the Universe to keep me on that path until there was a reason not to.

And in those four words last night, when I felt so heard and seen and held in both his arms and his heart, I knew it was the right thing.  I didn’t exactly doubt it before that point, but now I know it.  It feels good.