Some days I just feel out of it.  Last night husband was in a bad mood from work stuff.  Not acting grouchy just sort of quietly foul.

I supported him and loved him through it, listened to his complaints, verbalized empathy, rubbed his head, massaged his neck, was a sweet wife.  He held me tight all night.  I had to get up with the dog in the middle of the night and barely fell back to sleep.  I’m not sleeping well, and I know that’s a factor.  I love him holding me, but it wakes me up a lot.  I’m not getting two consecutive hours between house sounds, dog sounds, kids sleep talking in the nearby rooms, etc.  The joke is that mommy wakes up when anyone turns a light on- in another room.  I can’t sleep with earplugs in and I don’t like/can’t relax/sleep with white noise- I like silence.

I’m kind of high maintenance in the sleep dept.  So today I just feel out of it.  Depressed, but I know it is temporary, fleeting.  Except that it’s not really that fleeting…. not as fleeting as I’d like.  I just don’t feel love for myself and I want to- I want to love every cell of my physical body, not feel indifferent toward it, not hurt it like I tend to do… just love it.  I am so grateful in my brain, for this life.  I pray, I give thanks, I praise God and the Universe every day many times.  I want to FEEL that thankfulness that I believe in.  But today it isn’t here.

I feel cold and empty and sad and destructive towards myself.  Just kind of indifferent and unsettled and unhappy.  Like I just want to lie and sleep or lie and not sleep, just… lie there.  Wrapped in a blanket in the sun to try and warm my soul.  And I might do that, as I often do… because it’s all that I feel might help.  Yet, it does not.

Is this depression?  I’m fine.  I’m functional for my children, it’s not like when I was in the midst of the pain, the hardest days, when I literally was in pain from the hurt, betrayal, misery.  My friend said maybe I have some post traumatic stress episodes.  Maybe I do.  Sounds pretty dramatic but I don’t know.  I shiver a lot on days like today.  My body is physically not happy, it’s not just in my soul.  I eat too much junk, I neglect self care, I just exist.  Go through the motions.  It hurts inside my head, but nothing really hurts, because I don’t feel.

I let my sweet boy fall alseep in my arms today when I rocked him before his nap.  He was the image of perfection, the image of beauty, peace and love.  All in my arms, all at once.  And while most days when I get that wave of insight, I cry and I feel the love, I just felt nothing.  Nothing but empty space.

It always passes.  I am on anti depressants already, I have been for over a year for postpartum depression.  It still sucks when it is happening.

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