Well, I can’t say that the polygraphs don’t “matter” at all to me, because I admit- they feel good.  The paperwork from last Thursdays came today in the mail and just seeing the conflusion: truthful feels good.

Things are good.

I am the one getting in my own way more than anyone else.

I’m working through two books at the same time.  A purpose driven life and  Taming your gremlin, both excellent.

I shake my head in disbelief sometimes at how GOOD things really are.  How can this be?  How can I be so lucky?  I don’t feel that I deserve it, I don’t know that I earned it, but my husband has totally turned things around.  I will never boast about it to someone else in a similar predicament because the chances are not likely that anyone else’s husband could/would be in the same boat of truly dedicating himself to a better life.

I know it has been hard for him and despite what he put me through, I can step out of myself for bits of time and see and feel how hard this has been for HIM.  He has sheltered me from those aspects of his journey because understandably, hearing that “he” is struggling to be a good person from time to time, hearing about any temptations, etc., would not do me or us any good at all.  So he has his people, I have mine, and together, we fit right into this god given life that we are living.

I am so thankful, deeply and truly and wholly.

I am far, far from perfect, I still yearn to see him hurt sometimes when I am hurting.  I say things intentionally but NOT, in attempt to get some specific reaction, to hurt him even, to bring him down to my temporary hurt.  And then, he gets through it- does not give in to my childish-in-the-moment ways, and we move forward, with love, an apology from me, and understanding.

It really does almost seem too good to be true.  We love our house.  I’m feeling lucky.  Blessed.  Thankful.  I know other struggles will come upon me in life, either with marriage, children, finances, something- and just having this moving behind me, further and further into the distance, it is a damn good feeling.

I’ve got some people I’m helping through similar situations.  Providing them the ear, the heart, the strength, the presence to just be there for them when they need someone.  Like many friends did for me.  (MB, JJ, MB, LM).  And for him.

I’m working on a book.  First my original plan from last spring.  I was 20k words in in December when my life broke into pieces- I have started over.  With a different perspective, a different love.  I couldn’t keep writing the book that that other person started, I’m too different from her.  More open, compassionate, and available to god and the universe.

So it goes.  I have many work trips the next 3 months… my 3 busiest months of the year.  90% of my work in 3 months of the year.  The distance may give me pause, may make me fearful and emotional, but I will remember that fear has no place in my heart.  I am thankful for the now, or I am dealing with the now, what I anticipate may or may not occur in the future- well, my body just doesn’t have room for that.  We’ll get through it.  As we do.

 

Advertisements