The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster in my head.

I am so confusing to him sometimes.

Yesterday I texted him that I was feeling depressed, and thus, to have low expectations of the home being in order when he got home from work.

I don’t know what I’m looking for when I do this kind of thing but it is always the start to misery.  It’s like I clench on to trying to control him in some regard, even in this small way.  I do not want to be controlling.  I do not want to say things only to elicit some specific prompt from him.  I just want to live for the moment, enjoy today, and appreciate his love and honesty.

Speaking of honesty, he had a 3-month polygraph yesterday and he is 100% truthful with me.  He has viewed zero porn since Dec. 18, 2012, has masturbated zero times, has used electronics or technology zero times for sexual purposes outside of our marriage, has not engaged in manual, oral, vaginal or anal sex with anyone except me, and has not had any massages of any type from anyone except me.  His examiner added in one question for “diagnostic purposes,” which he did without the input of me at all- he added “Have you lied about anything important to your wife?”  This could be ANYTHING!  The answer, truthful, was no.

I don’t know his reason for adding that in, I don’t understand what he means “for diagnostic purposes,” I can only imagine that maybe he senses my husband is 100% truthful with me and wanted ME to know that for certain as well.  (As certain as a polygraph is.)  Needless to say, I am thankful.  These polygraphs, this one and the last, have been kind of a non issue in our interactions, our relationship.  It’s not that I don’t care (again), it’s just that I assume he IS being truthful, therefore there is nothing life changing being learned, just an additional sliver of gratitude.

Anyways, about me “testing” him and wanting a particular reaction about not keeping the house clean- it’s stupid.  It leads to me being disappointment and him being confused.  I wish to take what he offers me and deal with it- either appreciate and enjoy it or NOT, which I need to communicate…. yet I find myself doing these dumb things- I need to work on it.

Lots of things going on.  The whole travel for work thing has been hard on my heart.  It is okay now, and really always was, just such a big question mark weighing heavily on me in terms of how he presented it, how I felt about it, why it bothered me that he presented it as such….

I just want to move FORWARD confidently and honestly, committed to each other, not worrying, not optional, until there is reason *not* to, I suppose.  Not really putting this into words well.