The hardest thing to explain is when I’m upset, or hurting, and he tries to help me, or comfort me, and all I can feel is my pain, and I say through tears, “It doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t mean that I don’t care.  I care deeply.

Perhaps instead of “It doesn’t matter” I could say something else that more accurately depicts how I feel….. because on some level, it does MATTER, it just … well, doesn’t, in the BIG picture.

Last night he told me very very thoughtfully and kindly and compassionately that he had to travel for work, that he felt he could, didn’t need to get out of it all, and just…. shared with me that he was going to, but kind of needed me to be okay with it.  He wanted to make it as comfortable and okay for me as possible.

It hurt to hear it all like that.  I do appreciate that he took my feelings into consideration so much, but by making it sort of a big deal of a conversation and a what-can-we-do-to-make-this-easiest-for-you, it kind of made it harder.

Then I unravel and cry and sob and he holds me and probably feels bad that he has to travel, when it’s really not about that at all.

It’s that I just want him to *do the right thing* no matter where he is, for it to never be an option really.  Yes, there is more opportunity to stray when he is away, I realize that.  But there is opportunity to stray every single day.  He has plenty of freedom at work.  I have opportunity to stray every day.  Easily.  It would be perfectly easy for either of us.  But day after day, for the past 12 years, I have not strayed, I have never crossed that line.  Since he HAS, I guess that makes it different…. but I trust him.

And more than trusting him, I BELIEVE in the universe to just run the paths the way they are going to be run.

Yes, we all have free will, and yes, we are all making our own choices and decisions, but what GUIDES those choices and decisions we make?  Sometimes, every second of every moment that we have an option to make any choice at all which tempts us- what guides us to make the choice that we do?  Either the universe pulls back and allows us to make a bad choice, a horrible one that can destruct our life.  Or, the universe stays present, because we KEEP it present with us, and we continue to do the right thing.

I told him last night, and I know it hurts him to hear this- that I loved being single, I loved the life of being separated. And the odd thing to me is that still to this day, I can’t explain to anyone why I continuously chose to love him, to forgive him, to allow him to be in my life, to stay with him.  There is no real explanation.  I can’t say the reason is because “I love him,” because that’s not enough to stay with someone after what he put me through.  I can’t say the reason is because “I wanted to keep our family intact” because quite honestly that is a very poor reason to stay together in some circumstances.

I can say that I saw the potential in him to be a great man, if he stays on track.  That I think if he could turn things around I would want to grow old with him.  But that is such a big IF.  and nothing remotely concrete- Why would I stay?  Why would I stay when I thought living separated was glorious.  Freedom, no expectations, shared custody, happy children, financially fine.  So why together?

BECAUSE I felt pulled to be with him.  Because I made a commitment 12 years ago and it means something to me I guess.  More to me than to 1.0 him.  Because when I laid on the couch and screamed and cried and heaved sobs until vomiting day after day, the universe led me to him.

The universe led me to him, when ALL things logically pointed to *get divorced.*  *Stay separated.*  It isn’t that I “followed my heart” because my heart was dead and broken for him- but still, I loved him every day and stayed.

I prayed out loud and screamed and vomited a lot.  And most moments, I could clearly hear and feel that I was meant to stay.  This, for now, is my path.

I hope that he does not stray when he goes away for work.  I hope that he does not visit a whore house today on his lunch break.  I hope that he comes home to me and has sex with me instead of masturbating in his truck to porn.

I hope that he keeps his heart open to me, continues to notice when I have hair in my eyes, red painted toenails, no underwear under my skirt, and a beautiful soul.  I hope that he never cheats on me again, but I know that he might.  I know that any day, anything could change.

But I live IN THIS MOMENT, appreciating this moment, this hour, this minute for all that it is offering me.  I am not afraid of the future.  I know it may be hard, I know it may hurt, I know I may scream and vomit all over again some day.  If not for him cheating, then maybe something else will destroy my soul even worse.  But I know that the Universe will take care of me; I feel an utter peacefulness that I need not worry.

I suppose when he brings up so tentatively and cautiously that he has to travel for work, it is just introducing fear into my soul, fear that I don’t need.  Because I live in the moment, a day to day life, hour to hour even… I don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring.  I’m not stupid.  I know logically what could happen any time.  But right now, I appreciate the now, and I love the now.

Fear has no place in my body.  I choose him, I choose to trust him and be thankful for his honesty, his presence, his love, his intimacy.  I don’t have room to worry about what tomorrow might bring because there are just too many variables- and if I really worried about what tomorrow might bring, I may never get out of bed or open my eyes again.

So when he tells me that HE is making his own choices and will protect my heart instead of destroying it again, and I say “It doesn’t matter” what I really mean is more like:

Thank you for saying that, but you have shattered my trust and love so deeply that those words and assurance in this regard just don’t matter to my heart- Yes, I forgive and trust you in this moment, but SHOW ME every day that you’re doing the right thing, instead of telling me that you will.  State your commitment to me simply and easily and with your heart, but not like it is an option that you are choosing, dependent on distance.  Protect my heart to the same degree no matter where you are.  I like to hear that you are committed to me, but in terms of traveling and remaining faithful, it hurts too badly to even think of any alternative. 

I can’t control you, and how much you allow the universe to guide you- so I can just hope and pray that you do do the right thing.  My heart is vulnerable to your actions. You telling me you’re going to protect my heart doesn’t even matter, because I don’t know that you’re in charge of making your own good choices.  I don’t know that yet; it has been nine months of you doing the absolute best, right thing, and I appreciate that so much, for myself and for you- but I just don’t know that you are going to always do the right thing.  No one knows what the future holds.  Does that mean I don’t trust you and don’t forgive you?  I do trust and forgive you truly, in this moment.  But I can’t believe in the future that hasn’t happened yet, because there are just too many opportunities for failure.  And I can’t think about those- so it doesn’t even matter.  And I love you. 

I guess I’m just too scarred, the pain is distant most days but the scars will always be there.  And they’re still sensitive.  So when I say “It doesn’t matter,” please know that I care very much and hope with all of my heart that you are faithful to me, to yourself, to us as a couple, a family.  I hope that your actions and mine allow us to remain together, but it is hard to believe in the future when the past holds so much pain.  And it is hard to believe in your words right now when 10 years of your words were a lie, and 9 months of them have been beautiful. 

Your actions show me great love, great great promise for the future.  For that, I am thankful.  I love you.

 

 

 

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