I’m never far from the ledge.  That’s the problem.

I’m happy and thankful 91.5% of the time and the rest of the time I’m teetering on the edge of wanting to separate again.  I’m exaggerating.  Okay, there is an in between, and I have been at the in between a lot- but any moment that I’m not actively breaking down, I am happy and thankful.

This moment, today and here and now, I’m not happy nor thankful, and I’m (not really) wondering why we’re together.  I’m clearly feeling dramatic and getting that out of my system HERE instead of at my husband…. but he will get some of my antics.  It’s just that sometimes I get so fucking frustrated.

One little set of NON-issue things will set me off into this spiral of “why are we even bothering.”  “why am I even wasting my time.”

And I’m feeling it.

We have sex last night.  Great.  Period sex, which is a huge step into wonderful for him.  Initiated by him.  He lit dozens of candles.  Beautiful.

But I never . fucking . felt it.  I never felt his eyes all over me, his hands exploring me in a delicious way, I never felt the real desire.  It felt like a task. I got zero words of desire, words of affection, I was never told “You’re so beautiful.”  I was never looked at with awe, with amazement, with a “Damn, I’m so lucky to have you.  Not that I want my husband to worship the ground I walk on- I do not.  But I want him to just SEE me.  Notice what is special about me.  Why is that so hard?  I wished he could notice how soft my skin was, or just simply state one thing he LIKES about me.

Yes, he had just given me good sex.  I enjoyed it immensely.  But what was it built upon?  He gave me an obligatory verbal compliment (not deep) when he got home, but without any oomph.

Why do I never feel satisfied in how he compliments me?  I want to be SEXUAL to him.  When I was giving him his haircut, he stared at me hard and long.  Extremely extremely rare.  I made a point of telling him how hot that was and how good it made me feel.  Has he done in once again in the weeks since?  No.

As he is fucking me last night, I tell him how sexy he looks in the candle light, how I love his body, how his muscles look huge.  Does he tell me anything that he finds sexy or appealing about me?  No.

I know, verbal is hard for him.  Okay.  But COME.ON.  I’m right here!

I am frustrated, very very frustrated.

Notice how toned my arms and shoulders are.  Comment on my tattoo, my hair, my eyes, my smile, how vibrant and glowingly beautiful I am.

Don’t add a lot of fucking words to make it sound scripted and forced.  Just say the words: “I love your hair.”  Is that hard?  Add in some EYE CONTACT to said tattoo and stare at it.  Touch it for 15 bonus points.  I love your tattoo.  You have such a great ass.  I love your lips.  Just- something.  SAY SOMETHING.

My eyes are burning with tears.  I don’t want to be a stupid nag but I do want to feel some appreciation, some acknowledgement, some of being noticed.