I sometimes wonder if I have a mental dysfunction.  I’m all over the place.  I mean, no, yes, no, what?  :) Not really.

Pain goes in waves.  At least it does for me.  This is my world of emotions.  I hope that you don’t understand it because if you do, you’ve been there… and if you haven’t been there, then you are scratching your head saying: uhhh, this girl’s got some problems.

Of course I have problems!

What problems DON’T I have?

Oh I know, I don’t have the worst problems, the scariest problems, the ones I can’t even speak of.  I’m so fucking thankful that THIS is my big life problem.  Praise jesus that my children are healthy and living and beautiful and growing and walking this earth every damn day.  Praise jesus for the food that we have, the home that we live in, the cars that we drive, the laughter that we share.

Yes, my husband shat all over me.  For 10 years I put up with neglect, only to later learn that wow- cheating on me for years?  Big problem.  But GUESS WHAT.

I’m still here.  And he hasn’t broken me.

“He has you wrapped around his finger.”  “He is playing you.”  “You know he’s still up to no good.”  “Don’t be naive…”

Those people make me smile… kind of a sad smile, a “I’m sorry” smile to them.  I pray for them, that they can get to a place in life where they learn to accept love and trust.  People are so different from each other… some people are JUST cynical, just simply not happy.

Newsflash: I once was like that.  Chronically unhappy.  Never satisfied.  Always wanting more.  And you know why??  Because I simply didn’t have a fulfilling, loving relationship.

No one should “need” a fulfilling, loving relationship to be HAAAAAAPPY, but relationships must be real.  They must be as they are presented, as they are interpreted to be.  They can not be out to sabbotage, they can not be based on lies and secrecy.

So clearly, when I had a relationship based on lies and secrecy, I did not feel satisfied.

NOW however, things are fucking good.

Nothing is glorious, but for the love of christ- my husband is checked in.  I am checked in with him.  We are getting through this, with 9 million hours of therapy each, polygraph tests, the whole shebang.

I have lots of bad days.  Lots of them.

I have lots of bad thoughts.  Things come back to me from so long ago.  Things that I’d rather forget, rather overlook and never think of again….

But I can’t just never acknowledge them.  They must come into the light.

And therefore… there are hard times.

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I remember when I came home from the movies with a friend and curled up next to him in bed.

I hurt, my body ached with pain from my thoughts, my sadness and fears.

Was I being too demanding?  Should I just accept that he struggles to sexualize me?  Should I just accept that he only likes sex in bed?  Why couldn’t he NOTICE me sexually when I look sexy in front of him?

It all haunts me, what is the right balance?  I cried in his arms.  I *apologized* for not knowing the right thing to do.

He loved me.  He held me up when I was crumpling down.  Just like I have held him up for years and years, unknowing of the truth.

I love this man.  He has my heart and I have his.  I do not trust him, but I forgive him and love him.  Trust will come, over time.  In the mean time, I go up and down.  I feel that the waves of pain will come and go… but over time, they will most certainly level out…

Some months I may have 2 weeks of pain.  Some I may have a day or two.  Then all of a sudden a few months will go by without any breaking down.  And then half a year before the wave hits again.  Then a year.  That feels so far away now… the day when the hurt is so infrequent.

Even when I’m broken, weak and dying inside, I can still feel thankful for the journey.

WHO KNEW I had this in me?  Who knew I could endure this and come out breathing?

I did not.  I never, EVER would have imagined that I’d still be here, yet…

I am.  And I choose this day after day.  More often than not, with a smile on my face.  It’s so up and down, which is hard.  But still I am here.

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