Forgiveness does not come easily.  Or maybe it does, but it didn’t for me.

Today, I feel forgiveness.  Actually, I felt it a few days after we got back from New York, which was… a few weeks (?) ago?  I am on this spiritual path to accepting my path, my journey, is all together no accident, no tough luck, no crappy choices.  It was meant to be my path.

My choices however, have been ones that came to me only when I let the truth in.

It would have been so, so much easier to leave him, let the divorce proceedings proceed and be fabulously single momm-ing it right now.  “I didn’t need a man.”  Financially, I did not need a man.  Companionship- I would have found a man.  The “manosphere” of the interwebz make it sound impossible for a 33 year old mom of four to find happiness/love/sex/relationship again, but I beg to differ in the real world.  I would never have married again, but I would have easily found companionship.  My standards would have been admittedly a bit low.

I can say this all very clinically because I know that I made the right choice.

My husband is here, with me.

Haters gonna hate, say he’s still fucking around and I’m blind to it, that I’m naive and stupid and “endangering my life” and I’m here living a good life… with a GOOD husband that is committed to becoming the BEST version of himself (one who does not cheat)… funny how that works: happiness.

This is my path.  It is not dumb luck.  I married him not for his money or for his taste in cars or because of his conversational military background, but because I was meant to marry him.

I forgive him.  I forgive him with all of my heart.

When my heart is in one big happy piece, I forgive him. When I go through a tidal wave of pain, and it is shattered in pieces, I forgive him.

Because even though it hurts, he is THERE WITH ME.  I breathe deeply, feel the pain.  Let it absorb into my soul, cry it out, and accept it.  Because it is there.  He is with me.  He holds me.  He loves me.  He doesn’t say all the right things, he doesn’t do all the right things.

Not when I’m sobbing nor when things are normal.  But he is HERE, trying HIS best, and I’m trying mine.

And I forgive him.

Advertisements