I hesitate to be too openly *I’m so thankful* and *He’s so wonderful* and *Yay me, I’m so lucky* about my situation because let’s keep it real.  My husband neglected me for 11 years while seeing prostitutes and cheating on me for at least 4 of those years.  And by neglected, I mean IT WAS HORRIBLE.

But here we are- me balancing how much to ask for and specify with him filling my love tank in a way that speaks to me, yet on his own terms.

Example.  Last night he said he needed a night off from sex.  Fine.  Yet he didn’t come last night, he was physically out of it from an extra draining day and 3 nights in a row of <5 hrs sleep.  So he didn’t want to, which should be fine with me.  But instead, it hurt me and concerned me.  He could see it in my face (one big step right there to NOTICE something was bothering me and ASK about it) and inquired.  I told him my thoughts.  He did not immediately jump into “okay, let’s have sex-  actually I really want to, sorry about that- can we have sex now?”  He isn’t letting my feelings dictate his actions any more.  We did end up having sex- just oral but we both had great orgasms and it was a fulfilling night sexually.  But it was on his terms.  He held me, loved me, gave me the kindness and attention I was yearning for- and it LED to sex… maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t said that or maybe it would, but either way, I felt like it worked out beautifully.  I was thankful for the way he can take things in stride and still make the magic happen.

A big hurdle has been that I still don’t feel like he really SEES me.  I need to FEEL that he sees me because after 11 years of being totally completely unseen and rejected (and cheated on), I need more than just words.  So.

The other day, I’m in front of him and bend over to get something and he touches my ass gently and says “your butt looks really nice in these jeans.”

He thought that was a compliment.

Maybe to some girls it would be.

But no…. it made me squirm in discomfort it was so “nice” and so gentle and so polite.

I later referenced this… I told him- “I hate to say this but I just don’t think you are going to get this without really being told.”  Because he was at the developmental age of a 12 year old emotionally, spiritually, sexually- we both know I am doing this with respect and not trying to be demanding and controlling.  At least I hope so.

I often reference not wanting to be too demanding/controlling and we talk about it a lot.  He says he needs to know things.  And as long as I do it respectfully and perhaps with some degree of… submission (? not the right word?) it doesn’t sting too badly I think.

So back to the compliment… we rate lots of things.  Often in jest.  But he said rate that compliment.  I said ONE!  He was shocked.

What would be a five?Me: “Slapping my ass and saying some one word as you walk by, maybe slapping it and saying “nice.”

He looked at me like I was crazy, said “that would be a COMPLIMENT?”

Yeah.  Compliments don’t always have to be words.  They’re things that make you feel good, that show you that you’re being seen and appreciated.  Some compliments can be words… maybe when other higher alpha things have been going on, or just after sex maybe or … during quiet sweet moments…. but generally- maybe always- actions speak louder and convey how one really feels moreso than words.

What would be a 10?  Me: Hmmm… maybe standing, holding my ass, saying how lucky you are that you get to get on that later that night?  I wasn’t sure what would be a 10 in that moment- but certainly not  polite words.  :)

I feel a lot of love for my husband right now even with the frustrations floating around.  I feel his commitment to me and his efforts in changing, his efforts in trying to see me for all that I am and to accept and return my love to him.  Tomorrow we go to NYC again, just us.  Lots of logistics, lots of effort, and a lot of excitement to go away with him.

I’m thankful.

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