I know that I’m enough.  I know that my husband is not fulfilling me sexually, with my need to be desired, taken, and SEEN for the beautiful, sexual girl that I am.  I know that I have given him time, and that I am willing to give him more time.  But how do I proceed, do I continue to tell him, “this isn’t enough!” “I don’t feel wanted by you!” “Please be more sexual with me!” ”

Or do I just sit back, unfulfilled, while quietly, nicely waiting for him to bring it?

Or is there some in between?  I like to think that I’ve been doing that in between- that I’ve been KINDLY and respectfully, and sometimes even playfully encouraging him to bring it more, to approach me with desire and confidence and more intent, but … it’s just.not.enough.  So what is the answer?

I can’t coach him through showing me desire, because then, well, it’s not HIM showing me the desire, it’s me “making him” desire me, which does not feel good.

I love him, I do love him… I love so much about him and I LOVE him when he is ON, it’s just such tiny glimpses of those ON moments…

My heart is breaking.  I feel self pity, it feels stupid but it is true.  I want all of my time and effort and patience and love to be worth it.

Going out of the house, out of my bubble, always amplifies these feelings.  Living life, going on little adventures out in public, where other humans can see and interact with me.  When I some day go back to work, if he isn’t giving it to me, it will just be a time bomb.  I will get swept up within a month.  I get out, I feel the desire coming from other people.  I see the desire that other men have for their wives, I know I could have that from a good man.  I want that man to be my husband, I want to be fulfilled with him, but right now I just don’t feel hopeful.  I feel disappointment and sadness and emptiness.  I remind myself and I thank God & the Universe for all that I do have, all that he does give me, all the progress that he has made, but still.  The sadness persists.

Going on that trip without him just opened my eyes up to how much it hurts to live without getting that desire.

 

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