I have come back from an emotional few days with a good friend.  Everything was “fine” but her situation destroys my heart.   She is having a long term affair.  She has completely checked out of her marriage and it shows.  Constantly.  She is cruel to her husband- CRUEL.  Anything she gives him is out of pity and guilt and the reality is that she wishes she never had to deal with him at all.  Yet she is one of those “I refuse to miss tucking in my kids every night” people who won’t initiate a divorce due to the shared custody.  H says that I should set some serious boundaries but I struggle with that… I struggle with limiting the ways in which I am there for my best friend.  She is my best friend, but she hurts me more than any other friend could.

I am quietly supportive of whatever she needs, despite knowing that it eats away at my soul.  I have told her once- that it hurts me and is very hard to hear about her lover and her attitude towards her husband, but it deterred her for only about half a day.  Half a phone conversation actually.

This is hard.  I return from the trip and I don’t know what’s what.  I don’t know what feelings are stemming from what facet of emotions.  I had an amazing time with my son, one on one special time… but now, after best friend hurting, it is kind of overshadowed by my feelings about my relationship.

I just scheduled another appointment with my therapist.

I know the answer is to set better boundaries and to uphold them but I am just not strong enough in this way to do that.  At what cost though?  At the cost of happiness within my marriage.

It stings, all over again it stings.  When she and I are sitting on her deck drinking coffee during an otherwise beautiful day, and her husband walks away and she jumps right back into the deep talks.  “I can’t believe we’re both here- in our 30’s- me having an affair and practically unable to stand being in the same room as my husband and you having to set boundaries for your husband to keep him from seeing prostitutes.”

I give her a troubled expression, agreeing quietly.  Inside, it breaks me right back open.  We’d just had a 10 second back and forth about how he isn’t doing one of his favorite hobbies any more, and why- and boom- there goes the last few months of repairing my heart.  Ripped back open.

It’s not that I am trying to overlook some things, but I am choosing to put them behind me and move forward with him.

I then question if I’m a total idiot, like a mouth open salivating with utter stupidity idiot, or if I’m wise and forgiving and awesome.  Which one?  It’s hard to tell sometimes.

I do feel pretty um.. forgiving.  I am wondering if because the dust is settling, if I am feeling unfulfilled.  Emotions are not “as high” as they once were (thank god, yet also a little bit of a adrenaline crash) and things often feel very very normal.  Not that it’s a bad thing, it just feels quite boring in comparison to the constant talks of emotions and feelings and recommitting and recovery of several months ago.

Many talks are about work stuff, trips, kid logistics, dinner, home projects, toilets, lawn maintenance, laundry, grocery shopping and wallpaper.  A few months ago the only talks were about feelings, regret, remorse, forgiveness, moving forward as a couple/family, and commitment.  I know that that can’t go on forever, but now that the dust is settling, we’ve MOVED, we’re here, we’re living a normal family life but with far more commitment and awareness beneath the surface- now that we’re here, it just feels so blah.

Even though he is a new man, my 2.0 husband who does initiate sex, who does reference it throughout the day, who does ask for blow jobs and does touch my breasts and does look at me in the light when he orgasms and does tell me I look good- it is often forced… especially that last thing.  He has such SUCH trouble seeing me, staying in the moment.

Last night he was caressing my breasts.  No kids around.  And I could tell he wasn’t there.  He usually isn’t.  He REALLY rarely IS there.  It hurts me.  He wasn’t there, he would look at me, look in the reflection of the fireplace to watch the dog.  He’d look out the window and scan the yard quickly.  I asked what he was looking at and he said he was watching for deer.  Because he wanted me to see the deer that he’d seen every day while I was gone.  Watching to be sure the dog wasn’t peeing.

I wished he could just look at me.  Focus on me.  Caress me like he was into it, instead of like it is a task.

He is doing better, yes, but this is true, and it hurts.  He can’t turn off his brain and focus only on me.

I wish I was worth his focus, all of his attention.  I don’t understand why I am not.

I know it’s not me, it is him.

At the waterpark, with my gorgeous best friend at the state fair, more men looked at me with far more desire and intent than he does.  Those men would not be looking for a peeing dog while rubbing my breasts, I know no man is perfect, but I know that in that way, I would be fulfilled.  I know this because they looked at me like I was a piece of delicious meat that they 1. wanted and 2. were intrigued by.  I look good for a 33 year old mom walking around with her 10 year old, let alone with her four kids 10 and under.  But H doesn’t seem to see that.

He compliments me, but there isn’t any oomph behind it.  He tries to give it oomph but it is forced.  His desire for me just isn’t coming, naturally.

It hurts me so much.

I just want to be seen as a sexy, attractive woman.

In bed later, we were having sex and his eyes would look at me, then to the pillow beside my head.  Eye contact, minus about 6 inches.  I checked out of the sex and make sure he had a good orgasm but I just wanted it over with.  Why wasn’t he looking at ME?  Yes, he looks at me a lot during sex, of course I don’t care if he closes his eyes but don’t look at the empty sheets, don’t look at the wall or the cieling… CHECK IN to me, the sex, what I am offering you- which is my whole body.  Right there for the taking, inside me, and face to face with me but starting at the empty bed next to me?  What is that?

I later told him that that hurt me, it made me feel like he must be fantasizing about something/someone else.  He denied that, said he didn’t recall ever looking anywhere but me or shutting his eyes.

I feel like I’m critiquing every stupid thing- I mean really, “Can you please tell me I’m beautiful a lot today?” “Can you please not stare off somewhere else while you’re fucking me?” “Can you please MEAN IT when you compliment me?”

My fucking HAIR situation bothers the shit out of me.  My hair is now past my bra strap.  That is very long.  It is very high maintenance.  It is long black hair with ombre tips.  He rarely puts his hands through it, he rarely holds my head up in my hair against my scalp.  He rarely feels it and caresses it.  He rarely comments on it with any DESIRE or real… sexuality.  Lots of “your hair looks great like that!” with a nice smile.

I just …. don’t know.

The dust is settling and here we are in real life.  And it’s not enough for me.  He isn’t enough for me.  I try to make him feel like enough for me.  I tell myself over and over that he is doing great and he has improved so much but here we are, I’m still feeling more desired by other men than my husband.  Which in turn makes me consider being with another man to achieve feeling that desire and fulfilling it.  I don’t want to and I probably will not, but it is very hard to have that be taking up any space in my brain.

A few weeks ago we had some amazing sex.  He pushed on my head while I was sucking on him, flipped me over when he wanted to.  He was a teeny bit forceful in a delicious way.  He may have even held my hair while I was on top of his cock.  And I spoke gloriously of this, reinforcing it as much as humanly possible.  But it hasn’t happened again.  I should just be thankful I guess for once in a while great sex.  (?)  I do come almost every time, I’m not complaining, he is good to me, and he is good… but it is good as an act of sex, not a high feeling of desire.

All I want from him that I do not have, is to be wanted.  To be touched and seen and wanted by him, for him to SEE ME AND TOUCH ME AND FEEL ME.  We have so much.  And he is so wonderful in so many ways.  But it just doesn’t feel like enough.