Lots is happening. School is out for the summer.  We all have a substantial “adjustment period”.  Mostly, this summer, I’ve been bringing my A+ game.  Just being all in as a mom, engaged, active, fun, loving, not distracted.  It has been a wonderful week.

Husband moved back in 2 nights ago on Tuesday night.  Monday we were all at the YMCA and we were just loving life.  One happy family.  And then it was time to leave and D said “Are you coming home with us?” And he had to say no.  D asked “you have to go to your apartment?”  And it just honestly was so nonsensical.  We love each other.  We  have committed to working things out.  We have made it this far.  We have called off the divorce and signed the dismissal.  We are IN, we are here, we are choosing to do the next right thing, to do our best for ourselves and each other.

So that night on the phone, I asked him if he wanted to move back in and he said yes.  The next night, we lit a candle and sat around it with the kids and he cried and told him that one of the worst memories of his LIFE was telling them that he was leaving, and all the screaming and crying and upset that occurred from it.  Them hanging on his body not letting him leave.  That he will never forget and he was so sorry.  And, most importantly, that he was coming back.

And he was back.  And would do his best every day.  It was beautiful.

And then they started tackling him and jumping all over him… and all was normal.  Happy and fine and good.

The path towards our new house is clear and good.

I’m telling everyone with confidence that we have chosen each other and are working things out.  I try my best to say it without reservation or hesitation or uncertainty.  It is hard, but I am believing in “us.”

All the house stuff on both sides, both buying and selling, is a lot.  It is a lot lot.  Nothing I can’t handle, and nothing that is really bringing me down, but busy.  Very busy days and nights.

He is still doing his support group in person, his phone support, he is still talking to his support people individually on the phone daily, doing his workbooks, carrying no cash, and talking to his therapist/life coach twice a month.  He allows me to look at his phone any time I want with no notice, there is no password on it, and he is loving me like no other, giving lots and lots of comfort and support.

The area that is lacking a little is still desire and alpha traits.

With all the extremely excellent beta comfort that he is providing, the strong, leadership aspects of his personality are getting drowned out.  Those alpha traits may not be that strong to begin with, and I LOVE the comfort and kindness and love he is giving me, but sometimes they feel suffocating and make me a little bit closed off to him in my own way.

He is asking me too much, not taking a stance and making statements but asking me things.  Small things, like when I confirmed that he was going out shooting and not going to be home until late, I already knew about it but was just confirming- and he said “yeah, if that’s okay.”  It made me cringe a little.  It’s a subtle version of asking my permission sort of and I hated that.  I wish he would just say what HE wants, and if I don’t like it, I can say what I want.  It’s a small thing that can manifest in many different ways…

Sunday I could tell sex was on his radar, but he looked right at me, touched me, pulled me in, and asked if I had anything I needed to do right now.  NO!  DO NOT ASK THAT!  Just take me!  Want me enough that you aren’t concerned about my to do list and TAKE me upstairs!  Horrible turn off, more than just a turnoff honestly, it feels so weak and timid, not a trait that is appealing at all.

More on this in a bit…