Even in the best of moments the past several days, maybe week or so- I have never had a full love tank.  Even in the most comforting, loving moments, my love tank is only at 7 or 8.  Often 5 or 6, even though things are nice and sweet and great.  When he is offering immense love and comfort, it feels so so good, yet is still somewhat… unfulfilling.

The part of the love tank that is empty is filled with uncertainty and fear.  I’m getting lots of love.  Loads of reassurance and comfort, positivity and he is truly letting me in his heart.

So why am I feeling moments of despair and fear?  I’m not really “afraid” of these thoughts I’m having, they are bad thoughts that take over and bring me down and hold me down, but I KNOW that I’ll be fine no matter what happens, and the kids will be, too.

Here’s the thing.

I have been the leader for so long, the one holding us together, the one staying and praying and trying and trying and trying to earn his love, to “fix” us, to make us whole, to get him to notice me, to see that I’m beautiful, amazing, a great cook and a great mom and a loving, doting, available wife.

For so long, I have been giving up myself to earn the respect of him- *I* have been the one leading, deciding, planning, trying.  Date nights, lingerie, home cooked meals, baking for him, modeling new clothes for him, suggesting sex, offering blow jobs, suggesting new things we could do together… not always, but often shut down on my suggestions.  All while he just rode along politely ignoring me, tiptoeing around me, avoiding me, afraid to have opinions or disagree with me, and being a nice friendly roommate who wouldn’t hug or hold or look into my eyes when we talked or kiss me with tongue.

I crave leadership.  I am tired of being the leader and it tires me truly and deeply to still be the leader.

What my uncertainty is stemming from recently is that I find myself discouraged by his lack of leadership.

I don’t want to be the nitpicking, demanding, controlling wife.  I want to go along with what he offers and happily accept it, loving what he gives me to love.

Yet, he is not there yet- he is not to the point of knowing “how” to be whole within himself.  I believe he is learning, I believe he will get there, but for now, he still needs me to captain up until he really is there.

I do not enjoy this.  I do not want to be the one to point out these things, but I suppose I must.  And hope that it will become less and less frequent that I need to lead.

I am frustrated still that he does not kiss me more passionately.  I want a ten second kiss.  I feel a twinge of frustration when I’m into it and after a few seconds, he is the one to break the kiss.

I am very frustrated that my tongue is more aggressive than his when we kiss.  Kissing me with passion, with tongue, shows desire.  It is highly UN-HOT for me to have to tell him this… and ever since the initial “I don’t like that you only peck me with a slightly open mouth” conversation back in January…….. I have wanted to tell him that HIS tongue should be the first one glazing my mouth, not the other way around.  Sometimes it seems like if I didn’t go first, neither of us would ever touch tongues.  Which is so very very frustrating.

I am frustrated that his body is not *more* into me when we kiss.  I want him to hold me tight, to not let me go, to not let my mouth pull off of his.  I wish he would put both hands onto the back of my head, into my hair, or on my  neck- I wish he would hold my face, and KISS ME like he really MEANS IT.

I don’t feel desired enough.  And even saying this makes me feel stupid- I feel like I “should” be grateful for all the progress- and I AM- I totally am, but it isn’t enough to truly fulfill me.  These little things are so little…. but they matter.  They add up to a feeling of being desired, a feeling of LEADERSHIP.

This is a big one: verbal enjoyment during sex.

I brought my A+ game to our sex life.  Obviously.  And in comparison to before this all happened, it is 1000x better, amazing, magnificent, just outrageously improved.  But silence during sex really irks me.  I know it is “hard” for him to be verbal during sex.  I have asked him to just groan.  Just growl.  Just… something.  And…….. he does.  A LITTLE.  The minimum.  I brought talking into sex, just obvious (to me), simple things like “mmm, that feels so good” or “mmm, I love your cock in my mouth” or “you are so good at that,” “your body is amazing,” or “I

He, on the other hand can not seem to convey that he enjoys the taste of me, that he is amazed at my naked body.  He can’t bring himself to say something awesome to me when I’m naked underneath him.  Granted, he used to say ZERO AT ALL, so any very vanilla comments are still a vast improvement.  But it’s so not enough.

In fact, I’ve given up on talking because I just feel defeated.  He knows I want more, I want to hear what he likes, I want him to grown or growl or tell me I taste good.  Heck, I’d settle for a few well timed “mmmm”s when he goes down on me.  There are so many ways to say things or make noises that would convey to me that he is enjoying me.  I mean, yes- I know he is enjoying me because his dick is hard and he comes.  But I need more.  I think I’ve been without any physical adoration for so long that I’m just starved for verbal affirmation.  I want him to take me in his hands, run his hands down my body while looking at my body, directly reference my breasts, the curve of my arms, neck, chest, tummy, or lower… how I smell, how I taste, how my body feels in his mouth.  I want him to SEE me for all that I am, physically.  Yet he does not.  And when I even ask “do I taste good?” it is hard for him to answer.  After a long pause, he will agree that yes, I do.  It is so forced.

He has done so great giving me verbal affirmation and words of praise and love in other ways…. he has been so thankful and told me how amazing I am and has been in awe of my strength and patience- and that feels SO GOOD.  It feeds my soul and fuels my love tank.  For sure.  I do not mean to discount those things- they are incredible and also incredibly important.

But the kissing and sexy talking…. it’s a missing piece.  I know he LOVES IT when I talk to him…. tell him things that  make HIM feel sexy, feel desired and convey directly that he turns me on like no other.  Because when we are having sex, and I say these things, I can see that I physically bring him much closer to orgasm.  If he’s already close, a few verbal things will take him right there.  I know he likes it, so why can’t he give back to me- I’d like it a LOT.  Which he knows.  So, that is frustrating.

He has been asking my permission in tiny subtle ways and I hate that too.  Gun range day, I was confused on timing, I contacted him to ask him if he’d not be coming home until late, and he said “yep, that’s the plan, is that okay?”  Then the whole “I’ll wait up for you” … VA said that was a *thinking error* that I need not get so frustrated over the way he words things, but I just don’t want to feel like I’m SOOOO important to him…. of course I want to be important to him, but I want to sense that he is a strong, self assured man who does not “wait up” for anyone, who does not ask me “is that okay” about his man friend plans.

I just want my man to be directive and decisive and show confidence.  Because having confidence and knowing what he wants helps me believe that he will do the RIGHT THING overall.

And trusting that he will do the right thing overall is pretty damn important in me being able to believe in him as a person and a father and a husband.  It may be a stretch to understand how acting in a confident, directive way leads to believing in him as a competent person… but they are connected to me.  I need him to show strength, not be indecisive or need approval or … that kind of thing.

I have been receiving many “sweet” texts, many with reference to our inside names and jokes, and many just I-love-you-reminders.  To be fulfilled, I need more raw desire, less words, less sweetness without toughness.

Sweetness is wonderful, but I need toughness to go with it, otherwise it just feels weak.

I do not wish to downplay the importance of this kind sweetness and comfort- for all we have been through, it is SO important- that comfort is perhaps more important than the alpha stuff right now… but I still need more alpha.  I need it to believe in him as a man.