He has been reading my blog (which I consider a journal) and my forum posts (personal and simply my opinion) and not telling me.  I used to want him to read them, then he didn’t.  Then when he did, I felt weird about it.  Then he said he didn’t want to, it felt invasive, and I agreed.  Now I learn that he has been reading it all.  I feel invaded about it because I believed it was just my space, totally private from him.  I perhaps should have known better, but it feels deceitful now.   As it turns out, he pointed out negative, hurtful, “wrong” things that I wrote, yet he does not/has not pointed out the sweet, amazing, uplifting and generous, kind things I’ve written.

It doesn’t hurt me so much that he “read” my stuff, I share everything with him pretty damn openly.  What hurts is that he neglected to give me love or positive feedback or anything kind for all of the sweet things I’ve written – all the sweet things that enforce how “in” I am, how much I appreciate and SEE his efforts, how much I value that, how much I value HIM, and CHOOSE HIM.  Yet, he is happy to get pissy about things that I write that he doesn’t like.

Feels very unfair and stupid.  Just- dumb.  Either don’t read it and simply form opinions on what I convey with you directly or else read it and LET IT ALL GO, the good and bad I guess (although that feels very passive too), but you can’t read it, pick out what you DON’T like and get pissy with me (secretly), and ignore all the good!

So Friday it came out that he was extremely pissy about me having a bad attitude towards his working out style.  YES.  Yes I do have a bad attitude about it.  It is called: MY OPINION.

And I will always have it.  And maybe my OPINION isn’t that of 900000000 other people in the world, but it is ME that he is married to.  It’s not like I harp on him constanly about his workout style, I don’t.  NOT AT ALL.  But he knows the body type I find most attractive.  I don’t like skinny men, not at all.  I like my men beefy.  Strong, thick, big.  He IS functionally very very strong.  He has amazing endurance.  He is naturally muscular- he COULD be 10x more bulky/muscular with a little more weightlifting effort.  It has always  made me insane that he knows he “could” become more attractive to me yet chooses not to.

He doesn’t like me calling his aerobics classes aerobics classes.  He thinks they are so much more than that.  And maybe they ARE, but guess what- they’re still not stronglifts or 5×5 or building any muscle mass.  Doing 50 lunges around the gym is great, wonderful for cardio and muscular endurance.  But how about instead of 1000 situps, squat your body weight.  Deadlift 1.5-2x your body weight.  Lift some real weights instead of jumping around doing 4000 light weight cardio moves.

Fuck, it’s not even my choice.  He is hot just the way he is but yes, he COULD BE HOTTER.

And guess what.  I’m hot the way I am but I COULD BE HOTTER.  Think I don’t know that, of course I do.  I do everything with MY body that I have in this life to make it as attractive as I can.  I don’t spend time and money on my face, hair, makeup, clothes, working out just because I have nothing better to do with my time, I do it to maximize my hotness.  And he “could” maximize his hotness but chooses not to every fucking day.  It’s exhausting.

I gave up on it long ago.

He was again reminded of this and it hurt him.  It is a bitter taste of the red pill, to honestly convey the reality that ones spouse is not THE hottest person in the universe.  It hurt him badly and I felt bad for that, but it was honestly a good reality check.

He has agreed to stop reading my posts on the forum, he is going to avoid the forum all together for a while, and he will stop secretly reading my blog.

Our weekend besides that was great.  Friday night was pretty horrible – lots of tears, yelling, and stupidity.  Me trying to pound into his head that he needs to communicate with me and not hold in when things piss him off.

THAT WILL GET US EXACTLY BACK TO PROBLEMS.

He said “I’ll wait up for you” about me going out.  It made me so angry, so passive, so needy and suffocating.  I blew up about that and it was wrong of me.  I see it now.  It’s okay if that statement upsets me but it does not mean I need to fly off the handle about it.  It could have been a conversation, but it was a huge fight.

Him suggesting we “work out together” without ever being direct nor honest about it came into play and was probably MORE of the problem than the initial “I’ll wait up for you” upset.

I don’t know.  We did get through it though and ended up having a great weekend.  Great date night on Saturday, another night downtown.

Sold our house today.  Done.  This neighborhood is crazed.  Great for me as a seller… happy.  Impressed at how he handled all of the negotiations.

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