It is hard to resist always being sexually available.  Even though I am growing used to the notion that sex does NOT equal love and love does not equal sex…… I still love sex.

I’m told that it is not helpful nor healthy for him to always be able to have sex with me whenever he wants but it just doesn’t sink in.  I honestly do not see the harm in being always available.

I get that men want a little bit of a challenge I suppose, but I don’t know… why punish myself by withholding my desire and availability?

Sometimes I do put up some minor resistance.  A few times I put up a big resistance actually, every time he has pushed through like a fucking rock star and I ended up not only having multiple orgasms but I felt so close, so appreciative and so in love with him and in awe of him afterwards.  He earns my respect when he does those things, when he shows me that he DOES want me, that he IS a man, that he can go after what he wants.

A part of me always wonders, “does he really want this or is he wanting it because he knows I want him to want it?”  But I try to shut that down pretty quickly… it’s not my job to worry if he is being authentic or not, it’s my job to enjoy my life and live it the way I want to.

I know I don’t control anyone but myself, and even at that, I’m not entirely in control of my path… but I am in control of my actions, conscious thoughts and decisions.

I guess as the days go on, I will do what feels right.  One right choice at a time, one day at a time.

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