Well, I don’t think I am neither lost nor broken any more, like I made the tag line of the blog.  I’m still on a roller coaster of emotions but it is evening out so very much.  The ups and downs are shallow, very shallow, in comparison to the ups and downs of previous months.

Lying in his arms after afternoon sex, we were talking about what forgiveness meant.  He said he was afraid to forgive himself, that he was afraid of moving on really.  I said that I think I *have* forgiven him.

This is quite different than the cheating on me in 2003, because it took me EIGHT YEARS to fully forgive that.  It would still bubble up once every year or two even after a few years went by.  YEARS!?!!  And now I can articulate the difference.

Back then, he had immediate, severe, extreme regret and remorse, but then it all went back to normal very quickly.  As in, like, within *weeks* let alone months or years.

This time, he did NOT have immediate remorse in his actions at all, but it has come to him more slowly, over time and feels much more genuine.  He is opening up slowly.  And authentically.  And slowly some more.  His progress is outstanding.  At times, I wonder how genuine it all can be, how “real” it is, being that it is so drastic, so beautifully amazingly “right.”  But that is him.  At his core, he doesn’t do things half ass.  He goes all the way, and that can be applied to many many facets of life.  10% or 90/100%, not much in between.  I’m like that too.  We are impulsive, dramatic motherfuckers.

Okay, so I’m appreciating him every day, yet saying the words “I appreciate you” or “I’m proud of you” or anything of the sort kind of kills a piece of my soul it feels like.

It’s like, how can I say OUT LOUD things like that to someone who was fucking other women not that long ago, for a long time??!  I told him that it’s hard to give verbal praise in this regard.  He understands.

He is able to feel emotions so naturally now it seems.  Unless it is all an act, which it “could” be, but I don’t think it is… I told him today that I can’t believe everything he has put me through.  I can’t believe how hard, how deeply painful so many of those days were.  I remembered little moments.  Sitting under piled blankets just crying.  Feeling the hurt in every cell of my body.  Feeling the betrayal as deep as it went.  Crying so hard I vomited.  So broken that I could not sleep.  Scared.  Hurt.  Broken.  It felt like there was no way out.

I remember those moments, those feelings, that hurt.  I remember it so easily it’s like I can touch it, I can have a thought and be right there.

When I told him simply that he hurt me so badly, he got watery eyes.  And said “I know.  I am so sorry.”  The whole apologize once thing doesn’t work for us.  He has said he is sorry probably near 100 times.  It is reasonable.  It does not make him unattractive to me.

He is working on the shift to being the leader and being in charge.  I know it is still hard for him and I also realize that he can’t become amazing overnight nor will he ever be PERFECT.  I know there are priorities.  Before he can become more of the leader, he must give me comfort.  He is leading a little bit more, bit by bit, but comfort and security is more important now than alpha leadership.

I also told him that I can’t believe I never cheated on him.  It is pretty boggling that I went through A DECADE with him as he withheld emotions, withheld love, withheld himself from me.  And that I TOLERATEAD it!  It says a lot about me, myself.  I know my worth now, I recognize it more fully and I like to think that I would never tolerate that on an ongoing basis again.  So many close calls.  So many missed connections, easy opportunities that just barely didn’t line up.  I thank the universe for that now.  I’m glad I was honorable, even if not entirely enthusiastically so.

 

 

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