things are changing.

things are happening all around me in this amazing world that the universe has provided.

i am impatient but trying to relax.

i am feeling love and trust and hope.

i am so thankful for my children, my dog, my husband, my therapist.

VA helped me so much yesterday, so so much.

she understands me and can guide me with just enough oomph and subtle direction and leading questions.  going through all the therapists before her has become worth it, just to find her.

i cried in front of her for the first time.

hearing “truly recommit” brings me to tears.  my actions are that of recommittment already but acknowledging it with words is hard.

i picture the conveyor belt in the factory, how i stand and watch and mostly it is improvements going by, happening before my eyes.  sometimes there are pieces of fear.  anger.  sadness.  despair and uncertainty.  but i can pick them up and inspect them and then put them down and let it keep going by.

and if at some point something changes or happens such that i need to leave that conveyor belt, that i can.  i can do that later, if i want to.

sometimes, hard things are worth it.

sometimes things are not black or white, there is a shade of grey or two that may be a little BETTER (?)! than the  black or white.

she relayed her story about going for her phd.  how she didn’t think it was worth it, yet the CORE of her belief was that she was doing it.

the core of my belief needs to be that i can do this.  not that i “am trying” to do it, but that i AM DOING IT.

the core doesn’t change until it needs to change, and it doesn’t “need” to change when i get a whim of “this is too hard” or “I’m too scared.”  The core belief is the core belief and it is SET in stone unless something big happens.

but my every little fear can pass.  they can go by, and i can refocus on the rest of it.

i need not tell him every time i feel fear, just like i need not tell him every little desire that i have about him doing something differently.

we talked about this in relation to his inability to surrendering to a higher power.  it all made sense.  it is all making sense.  she is saving me from my own stupidity, she is saving my marriage, one every-other-saturday at a time.

my husband is doing good, so so good.  we are going to get there.

i must let go of feeling embarrassed and shameful when i tell people we are working on it.  i must say it without rolling my eyes.  this is a fake it until i make it thing.  nothing good comes of me feeling shameful of my choices.  especially this one.  i have done plenty of things to indeed feel shameful about – but with those, i DON’T.  this, for some reason, brings on such embarrassment… i am working on letting that go.

 

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