Lots of 4 steps forward 1 back.  Things that are “small” in the big picture of life and of us, but they are tiring, just because they exist as issues.

Overall things are really good.

I am committed to working on us.  I AM committed to working on us.  I am willing to move on.  To eventually, let go of the hurt of the past.  To not forever hold it against him.  I can not predict what the future holds but I know that I am willing to give this yet another “one more try.”

Yesterday I told him that I’m committed to living apart for 6 months, maybe the whole 12. I really LIKE living alone in many ways.  Have I mentioned that?  I really mean it.  No expectations of any other cohabiting adult is really reeeeally awesome.

I’m trying to think through things.  There is a chance I may willingly call off the divorce.  There just isn’t a rush to divorce.  If I had to decide today, I’d call off the divorce.  Or yesterday or the day before.

Thankfully, I have until September decide, howevvvver, there is some financial incentive to call it off sooner and use the remaining prepaid lawyer time to have her draw up a post nup and answer some other questions for me.  Regardless, she is on hold until further notice.  We have a legal meeting at the courthouse meeting to deny mediation and confirm that we’ve settled privately in about 3 weeks. 

People tell me not to waste the pretty.  I know the wall will come.  I’ve seen it happen to friends that I love dearly.  The wall comes to everyone.  I can’t know how long I have but I hold on to this- if I lose out on the pretty and then we do end up splitting, whether in 2 years or 5 years or 10+, whatever, I will still be me, just less beautiful.  I will have my sex drive, which once known, will be a tremendous benefit to any man.  My husband will not break me, and I will still have my girl game, my flirtyness, my personality, my overall way of life, compassion, edgy sexiness, generosity, kindness, domestic goodness…. I’m not being naive about it- I know that it all counts for something. 

Point is that I’m just honestly not that worried about wasting the pretty on him because I think he is worth another try.  That’s what it comes down to.  And if the pretty is gone, and we do split, then I’ll deal with it then.  Or- better yet, I’ll have a man friend with benefits and live gloriously freely alone.  I see no downside in giving this another try, unafraid of the time that I am spending (not wasting) with him.

So.  What does this mean?

It means we have a lot of work to do.  I’m not one foot out the door.  Maybe I’m not even one foot “ready” to get out the door. 

I’m willing to forgive, to apologize, to accept his apologies.  The thing holding me back is trust.  I don’t trust that the changes I see can be permanent. 

The other thing holding me back is that I think cohabitating will bring it all downhill.  I can’t help but think that because I have lived it.  I hated him so much at times, living with him.  I hated how he neglected me, yet asked me to keep his house clean.  I hate how he wouldn’t touch me in bed, yet needed the house to be kept stupidly hot.  I hated him when he didn’t see me wearing sexy, beautiful lingerie and clothes, yet didn’t love me getting “more clothes.”  Shut the fuck up.  I hated how I had to be “extra” frugal to make up for his love of being wasteful.  I loathed daily little stupid crap like this.  Just litttttttle things that add up to misery, when it’s a million LITTLE things and no good things.

One may argue that he did do plenty of good things, he supported us financialy, took out the trash, did dishes, did laundry, did shopping, etc.  But those things simply don’t count for anything because I don’t care about them.  That may mak eme sound like an ungrateful bitch but things he did just don’t carry a lot of weight (except his financial support- I do appreciate that), because they are essentially worthless to me.  Harsh, I know. 

I couldn’t care less if he EVER washed another dish.  As long as he doesn’t expect me to wash his dishes on his timeline, I’m happy to do them all on my timeline.  Same with all his other “contributions” of the past.  All domestic things.

Anyways, my point is that it’s great living alone.  And that us living together will bring our relationship DOWN overall I think, not up.  Yes, I enjoy his companionship and enjoy conversation with him but… I am not really needing a lot more of it.  I just don’t know.  This is where I’m at today.

The kids is a big factor… they are struggling in very subtle, indirect ways, with our situation.  So that is hard.  I think they can adjust over time.  Perhaps they will be adjusted by the time he moves back in- shitty.  I’m also scared of doing it to them twice.  For me, I know if there is a “next time” it will not hurt me remotely as bad as it did this time.  It will not destroy me for months again.  My life the way I live it is worth more than that, and I don’t value him more than I value myself.  But the kids… it gets harder for them as they get older I think.  Not easier.  So that throws in another big factor.

I see him SO much as it is.  Sometimes I see him F, Sat, Sun., then briefly on Mon (dinner together and again after scouts), then on Wed. (we often spend family time together), and… that’s a lot.  I very much value his presence for me and the children over night.  I feel safer with him here for sure.

So I question whether it’s worth it to live together.  I just don’t see a lot of benefits.  But I do want to stay with him.

He wants to be back, to come home to me and his boys, not to his apartment, but he doesn’t realize how hard it will be on me.  How many small sacrifices I will have to make to live with him, that frankly, I don’t want to make.  It is so glorious to do things my way.