In August, we are going on another just-us vacation together.  It is currently still April.  What will “we” look like in August?  I had to have a back up option in mind in case things fall apart between now and then and we break up.  I do not think things will fall apart, but I never would have thought my husband was fucking prostitutes either.

I have stopped focusing on the past.  I could go on and on about “how the old me would never believe I’d stick with this man,” “how embarrassed I am for anyone to know about us,” “how much shame and embarrassment I still feel for giving this relationship yet another chance,” “how no one understands,” how everything hurts, and on and on and on.  Yet, I am not giving my brain and time and energy to that any more.  That time has passed.  It really has.  It’s been a week or two maybe.  And I’m sure sadness will still come in waves.  I am smiling as I type this because I have taken the gloriously high road and I am so damn proud of myself for truly releasing the pain, releasing the past.

Not “forgiving” yet, not forgetting, but letting go and moving forward instead of backwards.

After the infidelity of 2003, it took a LONG time to be okay.  It was so much more *hurt* than this, but not as much *betrayal* or anger.  I remember how it all went…. in thick chunks of phases.  The first few weeks were pure pain and agony.  Then I had a day or three feeling “better.”  Then the pain came back and hurt me deeply for several days or a week… then a few days or a week of okay-ness.  And slowly, those waves got less steep, and the plateaus of “okay” times were longer and longer, until I would only hit a wave of sadness a few times a year… once a year… once every two years or three years.  And here we are, 10 years later, I had perhaps fully let go of it.

Just in time for this much, much worse reality to hit.

In the past few months, I have done things that I regret am not proud of.  I can’t regret them entirely because those not-so-great choices were part of my path.  Part of my own version of healing.

I don’t feel good about hitting my husband.  About yelling when my children could hear.  About slamming down a computer and breaking it in a fit of anger.  About kissing another man on a dance floor.  I have apologized for all of these things, to him and my children and to the universe.

But I have done some awesome things too.  I got a tattoo that I love.  I spent $95 on my HAIR and it looks amazing, the best color and cut I’ve perhaps ever had.  I plan on getting another tattoo that will probably run me $200+.  I got a pedicure.  I treated myself to dozens of starbucks and frostys.  I got the 8th pull up.  I deadlifted a lot of iron.  I laughed at a man clearly trying to game me hard.  I bought myself a little black dress at retail prices in a MALL store.  These are things that I otherwise would NOT have done.  I either would not have had the strength or would not have had the balls or would not have had the oomph to spend the money on myself.  I never spend money on myself.  Spending money on myself is a sign of major self indulgence.  It feels so naughty but so good.  And… worth it.

Oh, I also plan to spend $300 on some facial products.  My face has aged at least 4 years in the past 4 months.  It is sad really, but I think it is not too late to turn things around.

As BFF says, body, mind and soul are all connected.  If I’m in severe emotional turmoil, that’s got to come out somewhere on the outside, and sadly, it is on my face.  Not hot.  But I have a plan and know what I’m doing about it.

Spending this money on ME is so foreign.  $95 on my hair?  Hundreds on my own body art?  I deserve it, I’m worth it, and the finances support it.  There is nothing wrong with putting money into myself to make myself look and feel good.  I’m not going to be getting my hair done every other month or getting more tattoos after the next one, that is it- and I will feel my skin artwork is complete.  I am excited.  I love treating myself.

I LOVE sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  That is the best gift of all.

The BEST thing that I am going to do for myself though is to get back to my writing.  I was about 10,000 words into an amazing story.  I am thrilled to determine that it’s time to get back in.  To stop stopping and to go back to it.  I’m starting over though- the person I was when I wrote that is a different person than I am today, and I want it to be coherent, true to who I am now… I have more to offer, more to share, inspire and give now than I did then.  Good things are coming.