In many ways, life feels very very normal right now.  Almost alarmingly so.

Ever since the great wrestlemania blow up, and the trauma over the following two days, things have made a full recovery.  There was SO.MUCH.DRAMA and pain in those 2.5 days of my life, and it is so bizzare that now I accept “us” where we are, and am enjoying life.

I can’t deny that there are some major perks to life like this.

I can understand why counselors and the like recommend that couples do NOT split up if they intend to repair their relationship.  It is easy to fall into the habit of living single.  Parenting singularly, keeping the house running exactly and only as you want it, and most of all, enjoying the time that one parent has no kids while the other has them all.

In a marriage, when all living together, neither parent is ever totally void of parenting or relationship responsibilities like this.  This is like a vacation in many respects.

I do not mean to downplay the sadness of it, the brokenness within it all, but there are some damn good benefits.  I haven’t slept in like this in 10 years.  Almost every Saturday AND Sunday I am not opening my eyes until 9:30 am.  Or 10.  Unproductive?  No.  Because I’m *staying up happily* until 2 am.  Life is beautiful when one sleeps for more than 4 hours at a time.  I’ve never been a go-to-bed at 10 pm person.  It just isn’t in me.  So now I can stay up as late as I want, at least two nights a week, with a beautiful, silent, sleep in the next morning.  I can then go do whatever I want all fucking day.  I can take a 45 minute steaming hot shower with the fan off, then wear my newly discovered high heels out to the grocery store if I so desire.  I have no infant to carry, no bottles to warm up, no asses to wipe, no butts to change, no counters to neaten to impress anyone.  No one to whisper around, I don’t have to listen to kid bopz.  I can literally do *whatever* I want.

I remember in the divorce attempt of 2006.  He wouldn’t let me divorce him.  He made me choose: be with him and be married or be divorced but without his companionship.  I chose him, but I was bitter about it.  I was not happy to be forced to remain married.  It was my choice, but I didn’t like it.

The obvious question is: If you wanted to remain a couple, live together, function as a family unit, share finances, support each other, continue having sex, continue sharing everything— why would you want to divorce anyways?

My answer then, always, which he, the therapist, or anyone else could never understand:  So I can do whatever I want.  Somehow I equated the lack of legal binding to having no expectations.

I love this period of being separated for the lack of expectations.  Total lack of compromise.  I can set the thermostat to whatever I want.  I can leave the laundry hamper where I want it.  I can do laundry whenever I want and let it sit however long I wish.  I can let the house get messy or I can clean it whenever I feel like it.  I can let the counter get cluttered if it isn’t my priority to straighten it up.  I can clean or not clean the bathrooms, moreover, I can do so on my own schedule with no one scoffing at my lack of perfection.  I can let the dishes build up and I can load the dishwasher however I wish.  I can still have sex with the man that I do love, pretty much at my discretion, within reason.  Even better, this man that I love is giving me amazing attention and love that I didn’t even know possible- so the “sex” is better than sex ever has been.  We vacation together.  We share meals.  We flirt and smile and laugh and grope and “work on our relationship.”  We support each other, me being careful not to be a crutch, him offering what he can healthily make available within my requests.

So I think that although I couldn’t explain nor articulate this back in 2006, because I did not have any experience at all in the realities of what has really been going on… I couldn’t take the explanation anywhere to help others understand.  But now I get it.

We are fucking awesome like this.

The thing that gets me is that he doesn’t seem to mind any of it.  He has admitted thankfully, that he knows he needed this space.  He needed the TIME and the SPACE to put himself first, because he couldn’t have done it living here.  There are too many demands, both real and obvious AND in his head, self inflicted, that would not have allowed him the *hours* per day that he is currently using for his own self healing.

So he likes it.  And I like it.

Free lunch

Today he pointed out that after we are divorced I will qualify for free school lunches due to my low income.  Because we are happy to work the system that we overpay in *taxes* for, we are thrilled to accept free lunches.  It is wonderful, especially because WE HATE PACKING LUNCHES but won’t cough up the $3 for the school lunch.  We’d save several hundred a year, and I swear the sanity and foul mood from packing lunches is worth 10x that.

Hearing his positive attitude about free school lunches really bothered me.  Pragmatic, positive and factual, it lacked any sadness over our situation.  I agree that it is awesome.  It is.  But I wish he would have some little piece of sadness about all of it, communicated SOMEhow.  I wish it was not all totally accepted.
Yesterday I had to deal with some legal communications and it RUINED me.  I did cry yesterday, a lot.  The most I’ve cried since WrestleMania.  It was a cry of desperation, sadness, brokenness, and … uncertainty.

I know that I can’t/don’t trust him.  I know that I don’t want to any time soon, yet I do love him.  A lot.  So where does that leave me?  I’m not sure.

I did ask him not to make the divorce hard.  I appreciate that he is allowing this, yet still willing to have the same (yes, I said the same) relationship with me.  I honestly don’t see the benefit of marriage.  Minor tax implications?  Friend of the court fees?  Minor and minorer.  Insurance?  Minor, in my book.  So- what is the point?  What benefits does HE get from being married?  What benefits do I get?

Everyone just says “You get real commitment.”  “Pride of calling him your husband.”  Guess what.  Marriage does not equate real commitment to me.  Not.One.Bit.  It is because I am scarred and jaded because of our situation?  No,  I don’t think so, because even in 2006, I wanted to carry on the same relationship but without marriage.  Perhaps it was because even then, I was so hurt and subconsciously traumatized over his neglect and rejection that I did want one foot able to get out the door.

People tell me that I can’t be all in with him if I have one foot out the door in divorce.  But guess what…. I sure can.  I am right  now.  I am ALL in.  I really am…… it boggles my mind, yet I know it is the truth.  Maybe both my feet are in the door but both can more easily exit the door if needed.

I do not believe in him.  I do not believe that these amazing, beautiful changes that I see now are permanent.  I am so very very skeptical- like not even funny skeptical.  I know he is good person in many ways, but a bad person in many ways too.  And I don’t think people change.

After he cheated in 2003 I asked him straight up: Are you a cheater, is that who you ARE, you’re just not the married type?  Because if you are “a cheater” tell me now so I don’t waste my time.  He assured me he was *not* a cheater, that he was not a bad person.

Lie.

So my point is… that this “arrangement” we have now is awesome.  He is doing great, he is being good to me, in small doses… sometimes in big doses really.

Sad

He said he is indeed sad to go “home” to his apartment after work.  That he wants to be with us, but he knows he needs to go through this right now for his self healing.

I have noticed that he is trying hard to stand up for himself, to actually literally put himself first sometimes.  It is so beautiful and it makes me so….. proud and … attracted to him.  Just little things, like last night after sex he said at 9:20 that he had to leave.  SUCH a small thing.  The old him would have started yawning and narcing and talking about how tired he was, waiting for my nudge to tell him maybe you should go and go to sleep.  The new him just said, I don’t want to leave you but I have to go.  So simple yet it says a lot.  Little things like this are happening.

Yesterday was AMAZING with the children.  He stepped up like I’ve never ever seen before in the role of father.  He connected with them, laid out the way things need to be, was firm, STRONG, and just…. empathized with them like never before.  I can’t even convey what exactly it was.  He spent time letting them each know he understood their problem and helping *them* own their bad behavior.  Then comforting them through the hard parts.

The sadness in it all was that a lot of their bad behavior is because of their own issues with our separation.  That did hurt.  He handled it all so well.  On the stairs I told him the way he handled them made my vagina throb.  He broke down and told me he felt awful, knowing that lots of these issues were due to our separation- which was essentially his fault.  He feels like a failure to everyone.  Himself, me, the kids- it was good to hear it but also hard to hear it.

My kids today have been on their own A+ game.  They have been amazing in every way…. connecting with ME, respectful of me…. just really amazing humans.  Mature, responsible, leaders in their own right.  So proud of them, and so thankful for the way my husband handled them.

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