Perhaps I’m not so lost nor terribly broken any more.  Perhaps I am just fine and perhaps “we” may be fine.  Not fine like I used to think was fine but a new fine.

Things are good.

It has been 4 months since find out day part 1.  2.5 months since find out day part 2.  Lots has happened, and lots continues to happen.

Some days, I wonder what is left when there is no marital strife, no emotional break downs, no intense conversations, no tears to be shed.  What is left when things are even keel, and looking not so roller coasterish?  I guess what’s left IS what will become of us, what will become our history, our new normal, the memory of when things started to calm down.

I don’t have much to be proud of except for just still being alive, still being here, still being a mom, and somehow, still being a loving wife.  He sees my love through all of my abuse as of recent.  My horrible name calling, words yelled, words screamed, blood vessels popped.  He sees my love through my physical attacks on him, my hopefully temporary alcoholism.  I am not perfect.  I have done mean things.  I like to think that they were all “in reaction” to him, and while I wish I was strong enough to not have to react like that, it is what it is.  I wish I didn’t “need” him to help me not get drunk every single night to the point of not remembering the sex the next day.  I wish I wasn’t breaking down in such bizzare ways.

We have a roof over our head.  Four growing, thriving, amazing children.  Running cars.  Legs that work.  Mouths that eat food that we have.  No hospital stays, nothing to really fear.  Yet here I am acting out in such embarrassing ways sort of.  I don’t want to.  I just want to be an independent, clear thinking, present human being.

My level of self awareness is higher than anyone that I personally know, yet I can’t get myself under control at certain times.  It could be worse. I am “controlling” myself as much as I need to to never act out when I’m still in mom m0de.

Friends have been weird.  KS and CF boggle my mind.  SR has been aloof.  It is truly a study in social relations to see how people react to simply marital separation.  These people know no details yet they can’t even look me in the eye.  Presumably because it is against “the good lord” to separate.

Many emotionally scary thoughts have run through my mind.  We call them my “bad thoughts.”  Mind movies.

I did a lot of … guiding him the other day, sharing with him my hopes for how he can help me through my questionable motives at times.  When I lose sight of the big picture and fall into my own self perpetuated drama.  I know I do have things to be genuinely upset about, of course I do.  But at some point, I need to make a choice and move on.  And it brings tears to my eyes to write it, but I choose him.  I have consistently chosen him this whole time, simply by being here.  There have been flicks of *not* choosing him so much when I’m screaming in his face of swinging fists at him or throwing things around like a toddler having a tantrum.  And yet, I fall into his arms when it’s over, hours or days later, and I see my faults and I apologize.

It is sad.  Creating a cycle that is not good, and I’ve told him what I hope can come of it.

These are hard times, but life is good most of the hours of most of the days.  Getting dressed always helps.  Being vertical, being productive, having a real goal towards doing something with my life helps.  Disappointment is always able to be found, disappointment in him, in myself, in these “friends”, in my parents, in my children even.  But good things far outweigh those disappointments most days.  That’s all I can hope for right now.

 

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