There’s been something heavy on my mind the past two days.

He came over last night.  It was quite the enjoyable short visit with minimal conversation.

I feel addicted to him, I mean it in the real sense of the word.  Even when I want to let him go, I can not.  Is it because I love him and enjoy him or because I on some level feel that I neeeeed him, in an unhealthy sense?  I think both maybe?  I do feel overly dependent on him.

Yesterday I wanted to love him, I loved him in one layer of my body but I couldn’t entirely check in, despite checking in with my vagina, I wasn’t totally there.  I couldn’t speak openly, couldn’t open up my heart.  I lied naked in his arms and he spoke to me, sweetly, communicatively, and all I could offer were one word answers.  Not because that’s how I “felt” like answering but it was all that could come out.

I got like this in the beginning- when he first moved out and we saw each other the first few times… it was so uncomfortable for me to feel so horribly and unnaturally reserved.  It was at that point that I DECIDED to check in, all the way.  To let go of being afraid of everything- saying the wrong thing, being too demanding, being too critical, too anything.  I just was me.  From then on, for the following month, things were pretty great.

He made progress, I felt love, I had hope.

What I realize now is that often, all of me can’t quite get along.  I’m not in agreement with myself and it confuses me and holds me back.  When I want to love him, sometimes I just can’t.  (Today.)  When I don’t want to love him, when I want to be DONE with this relationship, I still hold on.  I can’t go all in either way.

Today I feel that I want to love him, I want to hold onto the surface enjoyment of last night (surface enjoyment only, not a deep connection at all) and feel love for him, but I can’t.  I just don’t have anything today.

Maybe my body wanted sex so much yesterday because I thought on some level it would indeed reconnect us.  But it didn’t, not for me.  I’m just a shell of a person today.

**

Here’s my great revelation of the past two days.  I have tried not to think too much about this nor acknowledge it because I fear it is me being controlling, caring too much, not letting him “do his own thing…”, trying to direct his recovery.  Truth is, am deeply hurt, troubled and frustrated beyond words by his stubborn attitude.

2002: Kitchen.  He is complaining about wanting to lose weight.

Me, being the helpful girl that I am, says to him: Well, you could always cut out the soda or switch to diet.  (He drinks 4-8 cans/20 oz per day.)

Him: I can’t switch to diet- that’s gross!

Me: Well then drink water or some other calorie free thing.

Him: I don’t LIKE THOSE THINGS.  Okay?

Me: Welp!  You might have to make yourself start liking them if you want to lose weight!  (I’m pressed up against him, leaning on him onto the counter, being playful and funny about it but also, we both know I am serious and right.)

Him: Ok, don’t be so rude about it.  I don’t like diet pop or those other drinks, I’m fine.

So…. I’m left standing there thinking…. “okkkkkkeee dokeee.  Keep doing what you’re doing and being fat.”  It is what it is.  He could have made some simple choices in his intake.

Now here we are.  2013.

Read this, do these things, get help here and it will change your life.

It angers me to no end lately that he HAS the tools to  change, to make me love him through this journey “we” are on.  “We” if I can remain checked in.  He has the tools but REFUSES to use them.

He shuns MMSL.  He doesn’t value the MMSLP book.  He could get help on the NMMMG forums, on the MMSL forums, he could read the book and implement it step by step.

He doesn’t have to do any big emotional work to accomplish those tasks.  He doesn’t have to do much at all.  It doesn’t take much time.  But he “feels weird.”  It all “seems backwards.”

The thing is, is that MMSL is geared towards men whose women don’t want to have sex with them, women who aren’t attracted to them.  He thinks he has nothing to do there because his woman DOES want sex with him.  I may be willing and happy to have sex with him, but that doesn’t fulfill me.  Sex is just his penis entering me.  My mouth on his penis.  An orgasm doesn’t fulfill me in my connection with him, my attraction to him.  After we have sex, I don’t feel like WOW, this man is incredible.  He doesn’t take charge during sex.  He doesn’t take charge getting me to sex.  (Well, he didn’t before but now he is getting better.)

So while I’ve been happy to have sex, it is to fulfill a physical need, not to further bond me to him.  I do not bond to him just because of sex.  I bond to him out of respect, attraction, desire.  I’d love to say I’m a girl who…. sex means love, love means sex, sex means commitment, commitment means sex.  But those things are not true to me.  Just aren’t.  If that makes me a dirty slut, so be it, but it is what it is.

It is the things leading up to the sex, and the way he conducts himself during seduction, foreplay, sex, after sex that makes me connect to him on a physical and spiritual and emotional level.  It is the way he leads me as his wife, the way he leads the family, along with being sexually respectful that would make me “love” him and feel something more in the sex.

I’m not saying the sex isn’t “good”… it is good on a physical level.  I have orgasms.  I am sexually aroused.  But it’s not GOOD like ….. it doesn’t make me love him or love him differently or more.  It has a few times over the past few months had that effect, but it is not the norm.  And before this all happened in December, it never ever had that effect.

Why is that important?  Because the sex doesn’t make me feel owned by him.  I don’t feel connected to him.  I don’t wish only to give myself to him, sexually because I can get sex anywhere, what I’m LOOKING for is the bonding that I wish sex brings with it, and I do not get that from him.

I’m not “attracted” to him in that way.  I am attracted to wanting an orgasm from another person, but I’m not attracted to HIM as a strong, protective, caretaking, supportive man.

Sex for the sex is one thing and sex for love/attraction/desire/respect is another.

So all the time that he said, “MMSL doesn’t make sense to me because it’s all reversed.”…. it wasn’t.  I am not attracted to him because he has provided no love, support, protection or attraction for me.  What’s there to be attracted to?  A man who is afraid to do what he wants, speak what he wants, take what he wants?  A man who tiptoes around me, who wants to tell me only what I want to hear?  A man who wants to improve only for ME and not for himself?  Where is his self respect, his self dignity and sense of self?  Why doesn’t this man CARE about himself enough to make himself as good as he can be?  I’m not attracted to him.  I’m not attracted to him.  I give myself sexually to him because I like sex, and because I committed faithfulness to him.  I always have liked sex, and I always will.  It’s not a bad thing to me.  It’s a bad thing to religious and manosphere people but as long as they aren’t inhabiting my body, I don’t give a shit.  It’s great for me.  I like everything about it.  If it’s not for the “connection” what is it for?  The physical experience, the enjoyment of my body and another man’s body.  The feeling of an orgasm spent with another person.  Another person’s lips, mouth, hands all over my body.  There are just some things I can’t do myself, and for that, I love sexual experiences with another person.

It is only if there is ATTRACTION, respect, desire, and adoration/love for the other person that it goes deeper than the surface for me.

It is just on the surface with my husband.

So he DOES need to get on MMSL.

And what else- it is merely his stubbornness that *refuses* to participate on the forums.  It is not a lack of time or availability.  NOT AT ALL.  He has the specific, exact tools to help me love him and remain by his side yet he chooses not to explore or apply them.

Truth is, is that if he could man up and follow the simple, natural principles of MMSL forums & book, everything else would fall into place so much easier.  I wouldn’t nitpick how he responds to my cheating questions.  I wouldn’t angrily throw him out when he tells me he wants to watch wrestlemania.  I wouldn’t get mad if he walks by me when I’m naked in the bathroom.  And do you know why?  Because he wouldn’t be doing these things that piss me off in the first place.

MMSL gives men the tools to conduct themselves in a respectable way.

It’s RIGHT FUCKING THERE yet he refuses to act upon it.

Instead, he shuns it, because it’s easier to say “that’s too weird”and “I don’t need that because you already have sex with me.”  Or “I don’t have time to be on the internet all day” (“But I do have time to watch a few hours of TV per week.”) Or “Those people are so cynical,” (it’s reality) or “Those people think all married people do is cheat.”  (Gee, weird.)

He is so out of touch with his masculine side that he doesn’t recognize reality.  In fact, he refuses it and is ignorant and stubborn about it, which is the ultimate turn off.  Just like he was stubbornly stupid about switching to diet soda.

***

A part of me believes that he won’t be “ready” to recommit to me and come home until he can fucking absorb and apply principles of MMSL.  I’ve asked him to read every blog post if he refuses to post on the forum, and of course- no.

Yes, he’s working on himself in other ways, trying to get in touch with his emotional side.  Trying to grow and mature spiritually, emotionally, sexually.  He’s staying off porn and masturbation and away from prostitutes.  Those are all extremely important things.  More important fundamentally than making me attracted to him.  Yet he says all day long that he wants me to love him, wait for him, remain committed to him, not move on.  And I have waited.  And I “am” waiting maybe.  But it sure would be nice if he wants to be with me, if he could try to make himself attractive to me, make himself into a person that I would want to be with, make himself into a man, instead of a scared, feminized male.

I KNOW that he has to do his RECOVERY for himself.  But if he wants me to remain his, he also has to turn into a man.  His therapy, support groups and phone support isn’t going to do that.  HE has to do that.  MMSL and NMMNG forums &  books are the way to do that — the tools are right fucking there in front of him, while he like a child, refuses to take advantage of them.

I’m not even asking him to do those things for me.  If he can implement some of the principles from MMSL, they will essentially be FOR him, it would simply make it easier for me to love him.

It’s really tiring me out.

If I can’t wait, if I check out completely, that is why.

Advertisements