I realize today that it is him that needs space from me more than me needing the space from him.  I need it just because I am so confused but he NEEDS it to grow and evolve and learn and feel.  Both of us are really needing time apart and minimal contact.  I don’t think he recognizes his needs in himself, but I do.

He relies on me too much for my constant lifting-up and directing.  I think I have been so controlling in spurts over the years that THAT is a big part of what’s responsible for his withdrawl and lack of his own personal direction, desires, sense of self.

I’m constantly building him up.  I’ve always thought that was a good quality of mine, and maybe it is in 99% of relationships.  I compliment people everywhere I go.  Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, waitresses, people waiting in the grocery store line near me, HIM.  I am the friendliest person I’ve ever met, as long as it is measured only in small doses.  I love to turn it on and lift people up, then leave them and go on with my quiet day.

Not a day goes by that I don’t give someone some love, kindness or generosity, always to BUILD THEM UP.  With intention.  I think everyone could use a little pick me up.

I swear, if I went through the checkout line and the employee told me- my gosh, you have great hair!  I’d be smiling all day long over that and would probably re-tell the story to a friend on the phone.  The simpliest thing.  I do that for people constantly.

It’s not ingenuine, it is always totally a true statement.  I think that over the YEARS of me building up my husband, I have built into him this desire to always please me.  To always do what I’ve asked or follow his  seek the next compliment, the next supportive “great job!” or “You did awesome.” Or, “I can’t imagine them getting through that without your compassion” or “Wow, work is so lucky to have you.”  Yes, many of these things just happen as part of a normal conversation, but with someone developmentally at age 12 or 14…. and you’re constantly showering them with all of this… support (I can’t think of what else to call it).. I really do think it has had a negative impact.

Yesterday he came over.  Turns out it wasn’t over yesterday afternoon like I was so sure of.

I was being dramatic.  But in the moment, in the hours of yesterday, it wasn’t dramatic, it was heartbreaking.  It was life altering, how can I go on, it’s OVER over, sadness.

He told me that Sunday after he left here, after I screamed and screamed and screamed at him and in his face, that he thought, “I’m gonna go get some chew and a case of beer and”… (and probably jack off all night long- maybe go pay for some hooker sex)…. but of course he didn’t.  And as he is telling me these few statements, he is shifting his eyes away from me and back to me and back and forth and back and forth.  It was so very obvious to me that he was waiting for me to break down with gratitude: “THANK YOU- GOD DAMN I’M SO GLAD YOU DIDN’T, YOU ARE SO STRONG AND SMART, THANK YOU” but it did not come out of my mouth.  Not a single word of thanks for “good job” came out of my mouth.  Of course, it IS a good job that he instead made excellent choices.  But I want him to make those great choices for HIMSELF, not thinking in the back of my head “I’m doing this so she knows I’m a good man and I can tell her about it…” He must act independently of me and I guess I see my role in that.

I will not withhold all love and affection or praise but I’ve got to chill the fuck out.  1/20th of what I normally do maybe.

I have to stop praising him like a mother praises a child.  He shouldn’t need that, and if he does, it need not come from me.  It has created this dynamic of always wanting to please me.  That, along with  my specific requests for how he *conduct his life* has made me the one IN CHARGE of his life.

***

He knows what is important to me.  Being respectful of others, respectful of the world, living beings.  Being friendly and respectful and charismatic.  Being a LEADER, being truthful with himself and me, showing me that he desires me, is controlling and demanding of my body and actions sexually.  I need him to supports/love me, be open to new ideas, believe in a higher power.  I wish to live the lifestyle that MMSL helps with, yet he continues to shun it ignorantly and stubbornly.   For the love of Christ, faithfulness and sexual desire for me is extremely important.

This frustrates me to no end.

The whole point of me not wanting to control his recovery and direct his healing is that I don’t WANT to be in charge of his choices, his leadership.  He  must take charge of him.  How can he take charge of anything else (me, household, children, career, ANYTHING really) if he can not take charge of HIMSELF?  Exactly.

***

I am developing some extremely bad habits.  I have severe problems with my eating and food consumption…..

I have been drinking one bottle of wine every two nights for the past several nights.  In addition to my severe binge eating and bad nutritional choices, adding in a half bottle of wine every night?  How disgusting.  I feel ashamed of myself and disappointed in myself as always, as is constantly the cycle with binge/restrict.  I want to drink every afternoon but resist that urge.  A few years ago I went through a month or so of starting to drink at 3 pm and eventually started drinking a bottle a day.  I don’t want to go back to that.

I don’t want to binge eat, I don’t want to vomit.  I want to stop.  Just like my husband wants to never masturbate to porn again, I never want to binge again.  Again, I pray for strength.

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