what have I done.  I’ve gotten what I asked for, no contact.

i’m in a frenzy trying to rescue what I’ve ruined.  I can’t control myself.  I know he needs space and I know we’re breaking up but I can’t accept it.  I can’t stop myself from emailing him and leaving him a voice mail and he is ignoring me.  he’s shutting me out.  maybe that’s the honorable thing to do and maybe it hurts him but he knows he needs to.  or maybe I’ve hurt him so badly he can’t face my emails or hear my voice mails.  or maybe he’s indifferent to me now and everything I’ve ever dreamed of really is ruined and gone.

I can’t believe this is my life.  I can’t believe he didn’t respect me or love me enough to give me a choice before he started cheating on me.  why have I given myself for so long, so fully, to a man who would come to ruin me.

I have done good things in life.  I have supported so many people through so many things.  I have given honest, genuine help, insight, support, love, kindness to so many people, so many animals.  I have lived a good life.  been kind to the earth.  taken care of myself and others.  inspired.  provided.  given.

why is this happening

all I can know is that this IS WHAT I WANTED and now that I have it I am freaking out beyond words.

my whole body aches.  my breath hurts.  my bones hurt.  my cells ache.

I woke up crying.  in my sleep I must have realized what I have done.  I have finally told him NO MORE.  I have pushed him away.  told him matter of factly without tears that I don’t love him.

and when he didn’t come back after I wanted to hold him one more time, he didn’t come back.

we are really breaking up.

I can’t stand it.  I can’t get through it.  I can’t get through today or tomorrow or one day at a time or five minutes at a time.  I can’t do anything.  I don’t know why I need so much to be happy.  why couldn’t I just be happy with someone that was good to me 90% of the time?  the 10% of being hurtful to me was SO HURTFUL I can’t bear it.  but no one is perfect.  everyone will have 10% that hurts me.  maybe that 10% won’t fuck other women.  maybe that 10% of not-awesome won’t lie, betray, disrespect, insult, and put my life at risk.  but no one is perfect.  why can’t I be happy with “really good” but not perfect?

do I regret what I’ve done?

I don’t know, I think I might.

I know he needs a place far away from my heart to really make any changes but I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I know I still have shit.  but this is not the life that I want.  not for me, for my children.. or for him.

I can’t stop loving someone just because they’ve hurt me.

I felt so relieved tomorrow to know I was done.  and I continued to push him farther and farther away and now I’ve gotten what I wanted and i’m dying inside.  dying all  the way through.  I hate me right now so much.